The Work

I need an outlet I think, or I'ma 'splode. I can really see now why I loved doing expressive arts in theatre and such when I was younger. It's cathartic and often necessary, and fortunately, such expression is deemed appropriate when engaged in an artistic medium. But I haven't been a creator or artist for years. I realized the bills don't just pay themselves and being expressive doesn't do it either. But I get so tired. I just seem to be so tired now, and I'm not sure why. I blame it on San Francisco with it's bad weather and bad people. I feel like my energy is just sucked right out of me. And I don't want to blame myself because then it'll make me more unhappy with my situation.

I definitely question what I can possibly do and in a manner that is useful as a teacher in this city. I find that most everyone is what I would call a bad student. Certainly not everyone, and anyone who would be reading this would not be someone I'm talking about. But I notice that people seem very asleep, unengaged in class, and I really don't know what to do about that. I try and get stricter, and I meet tons of resistance. I get softer, and it makes me hate myself and my teaching. So I have no better conclusion than to think that something about this West Coast/San Franciscan/Californian culture has ruined the learning and practicing environment in the classroom. Or the teachers who have come before me didn't teach people basic etiquette and behavior in the classroom. Or something of that manner. So if people aren't interested in listening to me, learning from me, or having a consistent yoga practice, then I really don't know what I have to offer. I will say that I DO consider myself to be a TEACHER, I DO NOT consider myself to be a yoga waiter serving up dishes of whatever the fuck the people in front of me want, and I DO NOT think I should be friends with all my students. I am happy to be friends with them if we like each other, but I am not a kiss-ass. It's against my ethics. Period. Unless my life is being threatened, there are no exceptions.

Since yoga in SF seems to be EXTREMELY business minded and generally interested in class numbers above all else, and yoga seems to be a joke in this city, I really don't understand how I'm supposed to work here. I can understand why numbers are important. Rent is crazy in SF and bills need to be paid. But then why the hell are people running yoga studios? I have no problem with making money as a yoga teacher or studio, but who the fuck honestly thinks that's the way to make money? Everyone knows (and if you don't, then you obviously aren't steeped enough in yoga in America to have a legitimate comment) that making money at yoga, from any side of it, is HARD. You either have to work your ass off, or you have to be manipulative, dishonest, and conniving. And those last three words are something I don't do. Also against my ethics. I'm happy to be poor and have lots of people hate me for calling them out for their bullshit rather than behave like the drones of people I come across so regularly. And though yoga may be a $10 billion/year business in America, that just means how much money is circulating through it, that doesn't mean that there is $10 billion being made. I can almost guarantee you that there is much more than $10 billion of yoga debt out there.

So what do I have to bring to the table? Work. I may not be the best at it, but I want to be better. I DO NOT consider my value as a yoga teacher to be dependent upon the numbers of people in my class. Especially if it is filled with the throngs of SF. I also feel like what I have to bring to the table is the opposite of what I have experienced here. Integrity. Clarity. Honesty. So I'm pretty damn positive I'm going to piss a lot of people off. I've already quit one yoga studio and I wouldn't be surprised if things go awry at others (I certainly don't hope for that though). But one thing I can do is point out what will help students progress. Doesn't mean they'll like it. Afterall, the word "upset" comes from 2 words. "Up" and "Set." And I'm happy to lift people UP and then SET them higher than they have been. I think I can make SF a better place that way, but it doesn't mean everyone's going to like me.

Vampires

I've always been fascinated by them. And not just because they moved to the public eye more with pop culture via Twilight and True Blood (although I like both). Naturally, vampires have gone up and down in popularity due to many things, but I remember reading Anne Rice novels in 7th grade, always looking out for vampire books and movies that would come out. And today, I went back and watched a movie called Daybreakers, which I had seen before. The symbols and metaphors dealing with vampires are generally consistent. Indulgence, sensuality, darkness, invitation only, taking life force (blood)... And at least from a Tantric perspective, none of this is innately considered wrong or bad or evil.

Now, to be honest, this subject piqued my interest about and hour or so ago, and has since tapered off. Oh well. But my intention at this point is more to just start writing and putting what is in my mind and the ethers down on paper. But since I have moved and am in a very different place in my life than even a few months ago, I was thinking of some things as I sat watching the movie while a book I've been reading was sitting next to me.

Something my boyfriend said recently that I really liked was that if what you are saying and doing is sincere, you don't have to immediately defend it. Good point. And I'm at a point in my life where I feel like I should stop having to defend myself. Especially in a yoga class. I've asked for feedback from certain teachers over the last couple of weeks, and I've found that their feedback often conflicts. One teacher will say that I should stop talking so much about what I have to say and just teach. Then another one will say stand stronger in what you have to say and don't be nervous. Both instances of feedback were relevant and appropriate, especially in those instances. But here's the funnier thing-

The class that I taught where one certified teacher came and gave me feedback that I should stop talking about what I have to say is kind of funny. Because I was teaching a specific sentence from the Immersion manual. Under the Overview of Anusara Yoga, my theme was the 4th sentence- "(Anusara Yoga) Combines various main paths of yoga- Hatha, Jnana, and Bhakti- that help to open all levels of one's being- body, mind, and heart." Funny enough, that teacher showed up late to class (and certainly didn't make a respectful point to settle in quickly and quietly, but rather dilly dallied around until about 5 minutes into asana) and wasn't there to hear my explanation about how I was teaching a sentence per class directly from the Immersion manual. I was feeling confident, but not speaking my own voice. I was speaking directly from John's written words, trying to be as true to them as possible without saying what I wanted to say about it.

The other class where I asked for feedback, I was teaching the balance of both sensitivity and boldness. I was feeling bold and confident that day, and when the teacher came up to me and said she would be leaving early, I decided I needed to embody what I was teaching and be sensitive in that moment to her situation instead of purely bold. So I allowed it. Mind, when people tell me that normally, I generally ask them to make a choice to either stay the whole way through, or go ahead and leave. In fact, my boyfriend was going to come to that class, but I didn't really want him to because he needed to leave early. So he didn't come. Anyways, I made a point to become more sensitive. By becoming more sensitive, it immediately made me nervous. I relaxed my boundaries in order to practice what I had to say, and it made me nervous. So for the first couple of minutes in class, I was nervous. Then my feedback was to not be nervous and stand in what I have to say on the matter, even if there's teachers in the room. Which I found funny, because it wasn't the teachers in the room that made me nervous, it was the fact that I chose to be more sensitive and take in all this energy coming at me from all the people sitting in front of me.

So, what does all this come down to? It reminds me of when I wrote in my journal during my first immersion about what Open to Grace means to me. I remember not being able to think of anything else specifically other than Choice. So what I've come down to here, is that I get the chance to choose what kind of teacher I want to be from now on.

I can be the confident teacher with something to say that will always have people pulling at me and telling me to come down and I will constantly have to be making allowances and remembering to stay sensitive

or

I can be the sensitive and always caring teacher that will always have people prodding me to stand up and pushing me to do and say for myself and I will need to keep thinking about standing up for myself and taking what is offered.

So this is an interesting choice. Do you receive your energy from yourself, or from others? It's not a natural inclination to be one or the other in life, it is the choice to be one or the other in life. And which one is more beneficial considering my state and position in life? And if I am to serve life at large, which is better?

I think I've made my choice already.

So this post may have skipped far from obvious subject of Vampires, but the thread of my interest in it is obvious if you can see it.

¿Cómo?

In Spanish, "¿Cómo?" means a couple of things. It is a question asking more than one question. It asks how and what, depending on the context. So as soon as I starting typing, the first thought that came to me a moment ago was "¿Cómo?" I'm not sure how to start this out. All I know is that for the past several months, I've been in life-changing situations and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I now have a boyfriend, I moved across the country, and I'm questioning a lot about myself. The past year brought a hell of a lot of internal changes for me, and I can see them manifesting externally now. But now, I don't know WHAT THE HELL TO DO WITH EVERYTHING.

With all this shift, I've kind of lost my identity. Having a boyfriend for the first time (especially one I live with) is very different. I've never had to think much about how my decisions may effect my loved ones. Now, my decisions are much more integrated with another person's personality, finances, interests, etc. And with the major shifts in the last year, a lot of things that I knew to be true were shattered. All by my choice mind you. But all of a sudden even my personality and what I know about life shifted greatly. It was my first big experience of Opening to Grace. I opened so much to other possible viewpoints of the world in general that I refuted much of what I knew before.

Right now, I'm in this weird sphere where I feel like I'm floating. Not anchored to much other than mundane obligations, and even those are minor. So I'm trying to gather these floating crystals scattered all about and put them back together in a way that makes sense to me. So I have nothing profound to say right now. I'm just trying to come back to the ground somehow.

AMAZING Kali Ma story

So I've been posting every 6 months or so, then all of a sudden I post two days in a row! Exciting! Lately, I've been watching a Japanese Anime show called Black Butler. It never ceases to amaze me how chock full Japanese Anime can be with symbolism, knowledge, etc. Especially considering that it is animated-which at least in America we consider to be child's fodder. However, in Japan, animation is certainly not child's play. Rather, it creates a certain type of freedom that pure live action filming simply is not capable of creating without adding special effects, aka animation.

So my point is, if you have Netflix on demand and can watch a couple of episodes (more specifically the ones I am about to reveal), then you should ABSOLUTELY do so. In fact, it has been the best telling about Kali Ma that I have ever heard. And it did not come from my yoga teachers, it did not come from an Indian person, rather, it came from Japanese animators. HA! CRAZY!!!

So you should check this out:

Black Butler: Season 1 Part 2 (the episodes are in part 2, not part 1 bear in mind)

Episodes:
1. His Butler, Freeloader
2. His Butler, Supremely Talented
3. His Butler, Competing

They are all about 25 minutes apiece, so watching all three will only be about as long as a short comedy.

Here's some background about the story so that it is not too confusing to hop in half way through. Basically, it's about a young Earl in England named Ciel, and his butler Sebastian. Ciel's parents were killed over 2 years ago as their house was set ablaze, and nobody knows (that's part of the mystery of the story) who killed them. Somehow within that time period, Ciel was captured, but the story is unclear about what happened to him. All you know is that he called upon a Demon and made a contract with that Demon. All you really know is that the Demon (who becomes Ciel's butler Sebastian) is completely obligated to serve and protect Ciel as per the contract, and we don't know what Ciel's part of the deal is.

So when Ciel comes back to life (sorta, that's also unclear what happened but seems to be a common thing in Anime- that such stark clarities are unimportant and irrelevant), he continues his duties of serving the Queen of England; he is often referred to as the Queen's guard dog.

So, as the story progresses, 2 strange Indian men who are devotees of Kali Ma visit England, and that's where the first episode above begins. I don't want to give away much more, but the best and most important episode is the last one mentioned above. The first two are more like prefacing episodes (at least if you ask me) but the 3rd one is where the meat of it all is. I'm not interested in relating the whole story here, but rather offering the episodes to you so that you can experience them for yourself.

Please watch them, and comment as you may like. It's good shit.

Tidbits

I've noticed that over the past year or more, that posting here has definitely taken a back seat. So, I figured it might be good to just post tidbits for now, as opposed to really committing to big inspiring awesome posts or some kind of attempt at that. So here's something I found very interesting in my newsletter from Yoga Sangha. It's a letter from BKS Iyengar to fashion designer Donna Karan:

My Dear Donna Karan,

As a yoga practitioner, may I request you, on behalf of myself and my friends from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals India, take a stand against using the fur of animals that is removed by the cruelest killing methods.

Though I had the chance of meeting you when you hosted a vegetarian party to all members of the yoga family and friends a few years ago and were a number one designer of the world, I was not aware then that your designs included the use of animal fur.

Being a devoted student of yoga, undividedly practicing my method and compassionate at heart, may I request you to follow the principles of yamas and oblige by dropping furs, which are violently removed from the living animals, so that those animals which have the right to live, live in peace.

With my good wishes,

BKS Iyengar


Huh. Seems a bit unusual to me. Not saying whether it is bad or good, simply not something I expected. Well, have a good day everyone!

So I seem to write now about every 6 months...

And here's the next one. I haven't been writing for a number of different reasons. Not being that inspired, not wanting to say everything, mostly because I'd like to try my thoughts out in my head as opposed to in writing, and not necessarily having the time. Of course, it's not like I do now either. But either way, I figured I'd do it today.

I find it interesting how I've grown much more private in some ways. I think it's because something that I've learned more over the last year or so is that so much of the drama that I go through is really just in my head. Not like, psycho drama, but rather, my frustrations, my difficulties, etc. are only as real as I give them life. And for many years I was taught (and rightfully so) to express all that drama. Mostly, because of my years of training as an actor. But finding a kind of container for that drama while also letting out what I need to say has been something I've been learning.

Which reminds me. I was talking to my friend and roommate Susan who has been studying Jyotish, or The Science of Light, which is basically Indian Yoga astrology. She asked what my dashas are right now (which are basically certain phases) and I am in Ketu and Rahu. She was surprised and excited about that. Apparently, the Ketu and Rahu are basically opposite, Rahu symbolically representing the head of the dragon, and Ketu representing the tail of the dragon. So I got a whole damn dragon in me right now!

Apparently, it represents more the ideas of letting go of bad karma and the plantings of seeds of a great future. From Wikipedia:

"Ketu signifies the spiritual process of the refinement of materialization to spirit and is considered both malefic and benefic, as it causes sorrow and loss, and yet at the same time turns the individual to God. In other words, it causes material loss in order to force a more spiritual outlook in the person. Ketu is a karaka or indicator of intelligence, wisdom, non-attachment, fantasy, penetrating insight, derangement, and psychic abilities. Ketu is believed to bring prosperity to the devotee's family, removes the effects of snakebite and illness arising out of poisons. He grants good health, wealth and cattle to his devotees. The people who come under the influence of Ketu can achieve great heights, most of them spiritual."

"Rahu is a legendary master of deception who signifies cheaters, pleasure seekers, operators in foreign lands, drug dealers, poison dealers, insincere & immoral acts, etc. It is the significator of an irreligious person, an outcast, harsh speech, logical fallacy, falsehoods, uncleanliness, abdominal ulcers, bones, and transmigration. Rahu is instrumental in strengthening one's power and converting even an enemy into a friend. In Buddhism Rahu is one of the krodhadevatas (terror-inspiring gods)."

Of course, these descriptions do not necessarily mean that I am currently embodying these qualities, as much as they are what I am confronting. I've described this feeling to friends more recently in terms more like Spanda- the contraction and expansion. Only, it's not just one or the other, as would seem to make clearer sense. I even feel this on a very visceral level. Like my inner body is expanding a lot, and yet my outter body is compressing around me, creating an interesting tension in the space between my inner self and outer self.

I figured that when I first started noticing these things, that it was going to be a short and interesting phase. And yet, it seems to be taking longer than I expected. Well, I can't wait to see where things go.

Dispersion of Thoughts

For many reasons, I've been thinking lately that I should start blogging again. But I've had a lot of reservations about it as well. But for the first time in a long time, I came to my computer at some point this morning and decided to write. Last night I had a simple and smooth time swimming with friends. Catherine, Sam, Gioconda, Max, and Wendy. It was one of those not so complicated nights where you have a simple but delicious dinner, simple but gratifying dessert, and simple but exciting trampoline jump/water gun fight/game of Marco Polo. That's something that's changed a lot for me over the past couple of months that has actually been a difficult adjustment. The lack of drama. Outwardly anyways.

Gia talked a little bit last night about the processes she went through at the Hoffman Institute and mentioned that one of the techniques they use is this idea of checking in with your spirit guide. But she said that by the 3rd day, her spirit guide went missing. I thought this was actually an amazing thing, because, rather than her missing something along the process, it seemed to me that it was more of a matter of not needing the outside entity of a spirit guiding you. I think she was just tapped into herself more, and didn't need an external tool to guide her. She was just with her own Guru.

"Not all who wander are lost."

For so many reasons, I haven't been getting out much. And a lot of that has to do with the kind of energy that comes from all the forward folds I've been doing. I would definitely say I am currently in a state of nimesha spanda. It's quite funny to see how everything on the outside seems to be taking care of itself quite fine. The pieces of my life as a yoga teacher are actually coming together quite well. In fact, I've had to turn away some opportunities. And my abilities as a teacher seem to be naturally coming more smoothly as my classes are growing, and I don't feel like I've blasted out all of my energy after teaching a class. But the forward folds have been opening up my entire back body, tiring it, and pulling me so much further into the recesses of my own mind. Fortunately, I seem to recognize that it is only my mind that is working this way, and not necessarily "Me", or should I say "I", or maybe "The Self". And one thing that struck me as odd last night was how I would vocalize and perform in insecure ways, even though I didn't really feel all that insecure. I saw how my mind was kind of acting on it's own and my mouth would follow, despite the fact that I didn't actually feel the way I was speaking. Fortunately, I don't think I said anything too offensive, but just noticing how my actions seemed in accordance with what comes up from forward folding. BTW, I've definitely decided that I WILL NOT have a forward fold as a pose of the year for 2011. Maybe I'll I'll flip between backbend and forward fold from year to year...

Anyways, the personal behavior I've had lately, from staying in the house so much unless I have a class to teach or a meeting, watching Netflix like a crazy person, spending very little money and energy, had got me to questioning whether or not I should be doing so many forward folds. It's very out of character for me, and I will say, it is also not the most enjoyable side of Jeremiah. But it amazing me to see the serendipity and coincidence that has been showing up while I'm in this process. One of the best ones is the presence of a song. When it's in your head, then it plays on your ipod, then it is in the store you're shopping at, then it's on Pandora. I find these (along with other coincidences that seem to pop up) as nice little reminders that I am on the right path for myself. Because, like Gia had mentioned for herself, my spirit guide is MIA. But I think I just don't really need that external guide or idea to the extent that I did before. It is here inside, I recognize it, and it is not separate from me. And so we move forward...