LILA

The Work

2011-12-13T21:32:00.000-08:00

I need an outlet I think, or I'ma 'splode. I can really see now why I loved doing expressive arts in theatre and such when I was younger. It's cathartic and often necessary, and fortunately, such expression is deemed appropriate when engaged in an artistic medium. But I haven't been a creator or artist for years. I realized the bills don't just pay themselves and being expressive doesn't do it either. But I get so tired. I just seem to be so tired now, and I'm not sure why. I blame it on San Francisco with it's bad weather and bad people. I feel like my energy is just sucked right out of me. And I don't want to blame myself because then it'll make me more unhappy with my situation.

I definitely question what I can possibly do and in a manner that is useful as a teacher in this city. I find that most everyone is what I would call a bad student. Certainly not everyone, and anyone who would be reading this would not be someone I'm talking about. But I notice that people seem very asleep, unengaged in class, and I really don't know what to do about that. I try and get stricter, and I meet tons of resistance. I get softer, and it makes me hate myself and my teaching. So I have no better conclusion than to think that something about this West Coast/San Franciscan/Californian culture has ruined the learning and practicing environment in the classroom. Or the teachers who have come before me didn't teach people basic etiquette and behavior in the classroom. Or something of that manner. So if people aren't interested in listening to me, learning from me, or having a consistent yoga practice, then I really don't know what I have to offer. I will say that I DO consider myself to be a TEACHER, I DO NOT consider myself to be a yoga waiter serving up dishes of whatever the fuck the people in front of me want, and I DO NOT think I should be friends with all my students. I am happy to be friends with them if we like each other, but I am not a kiss-ass. It's against my ethics. Period. Unless my life is being threatened, there are no exceptions.

Since yoga in SF seems to be EXTREMELY business minded and generally interested in class numbers above all else, and yoga seems to be a joke in this city, I really don't understand how I'm supposed to work here. I can understand why numbers are important. Rent is crazy in SF and bills need to be paid. But then why the hell are people running yoga studios? I have no problem with making money as a yoga teacher or studio, but who the fuck honestly thinks that's the way to make money? Everyone knows (and if you don't, then you obviously aren't steeped enough in yoga in America to have a legitimate comment) that making money at yoga, from any side of it, is HARD. You either have to work your ass off, or you have to be manipulative, dishonest, and conniving. And those last three words are something I don't do. Also against my ethics. I'm happy to be poor and have lots of people hate me for calling them out for their bullshit rather than behave like the drones of people I come across so regularly. And though yoga may be a $10 billion/year business in America, that just means how much money is circulating through it, that doesn't mean that there is $10 billion being made. I can almost guarantee you that there is much more than $10 billion of yoga debt out there.

So what do I have to bring to the table? Work. I may not be the best at it, but I want to be better. I DO NOT consider my value as a yoga teacher to be dependent upon the numbers of people in my class. Especially if it is filled with the throngs of SF. I also feel like what I have to bring to the table is the opposite of what I have experienced here. Integrity. Clarity. Honesty. So I'm pretty damn positive I'm going to piss a lot of people off. I've already quit one yoga studio and I wouldn't be surprised if things go awry at others (I certainly don't hope for that though). But one thing I can do is point out what will help students progress. Doesn't mean they'll like it. Afterall, the word "upset" comes from 2 words. "Up" and "Set." And I'm happy to lift people UP and then SET them higher than they have been. I think I can make SF a better place that way, but it doesn't mean everyone's going to like me.

Vampires

2011-08-22T10:58:00.001-07:00

I've always been fascinated by them. And not just because they moved to the public eye more with pop culture via Twilight and True Blood (although I like both). Naturally, vampires have gone up and down in popularity due to many things, but I remember reading Anne Rice novels in 7th grade, always looking out for vampire books and movies that would come out. And today, I went back and watched a movie called Daybreakers, which I had seen before. The symbols and metaphors dealing with vampires are generally consistent. Indulgence, sensuality, darkness, invitation only, taking life force (blood)... And at least from a Tantric perspective, none of this is innately considered wrong or bad or evil.

Now, to be honest, this subject piqued my interest about and hour or so ago, and has since tapered off. Oh well. But my intention at this point is more to just start writing and putting what is in my mind and the ethers down on paper. But since I have moved and am in a very different place in my life than even a few months ago, I was thinking of some things as I sat watching the movie while a book I've been reading was sitting next to me.

Something my boyfriend said recently that I really liked was that if what you are saying and doing is sincere, you don't have to immediately defend it. Good point. And I'm at a point in my life where I feel like I should stop having to defend myself. Especially in a yoga class. I've asked for feedback from certain teachers over the last couple of weeks, and I've found that their feedback often conflicts. One teacher will say that I should stop talking so much about what I have to say and just teach. Then another one will say stand stronger in what you have to say and don't be nervous. Both instances of feedback were relevant and appropriate, especially in those instances. But here's the funnier thing-

The class that I taught where one certified teacher came and gave me feedback that I should stop talking about what I have to say is kind of funny. Because I was teaching a specific sentence from the Immersion manual. Under the Overview of Anusara Yoga, my theme was the 4th sentence- "(Anusara Yoga) Combines various main paths of yoga- Hatha, Jnana, and Bhakti- that help to open all levels of one's being- body, mind, and heart." Funny enough, that teacher showed up late to class (and certainly didn't make a respectful point to settle in quickly and quietly, but rather dilly dallied around until about 5 minutes into asana) and wasn't there to hear my explanation about how I was teaching a sentence per class directly from the Immersion manual. I was feeling confident, but not speaking my own voice. I was speaking directly from John's written words, trying to be as true to them as possible without saying what I wanted to say about it.

The other class where I asked for feedback, I was teaching the balance of both sensitivity and boldness. I was feeling bold and confident that day, and when the teacher came up to me and said she would be leaving early, I decided I needed to embody what I was teaching and be sensitive in that moment to her situation instead of purely bold. So I allowed it. Mind, when people tell me that normally, I generally ask them to make a choice to either stay the whole way through, or go ahead and leave. In fact, my boyfriend was going to come to that class, but I didn't really want him to because he needed to leave early. So he didn't come. Anyways, I made a point to become more sensitive. By becoming more sensitive, it immediately made me nervous. I relaxed my boundaries in order to practice what I had to say, and it made me nervous. So for the first couple of minutes in class, I was nervous. Then my feedback was to not be nervous and stand in what I have to say on the matter, even if there's teachers in the room. Which I found funny, because it wasn't the teachers in the room that made me nervous, it was the fact that I chose to be more sensitive and take in all this energy coming at me from all the people sitting in front of me.

So, what does all this come down to? It reminds me of when I wrote in my journal during my first immersion about what Open to Grace means to me. I remember not being able to think of anything else specifically other than Choice. So what I've come down to here, is that I get the chance to choose what kind of teacher I want to be from now on.

I can be the confident teacher with something to say that will always have people pulling at me and telling me to come down and I will constantly have to be making allowances and remembering to stay sensitive

or

I can be the sensitive and always caring teacher that will always have people prodding me to stand up and pushing me to do and say for myself and I will need to keep thinking about standing up for myself and taking what is offered.

So this is an interesting choice. Do you receive your energy from yourself, or from others? It's not a natural inclination to be one or the other in life, it is the choice to be one or the other in life. And which one is more beneficial considering my state and position in life? And if I am to serve life at large, which is better?

I think I've made my choice already.

So this post may have skipped far from obvious subject of Vampires, but the thread of my interest in it is obvious if you can see it.

¿Cómo?

2011-08-19T13:24:00.000-07:00

In Spanish, "¿Cómo?" means a couple of things. It is a question asking more than one question. It asks how and what, depending on the context. So as soon as I starting typing, the first thought that came to me a moment ago was "¿Cómo?" I'm not sure how to start this out. All I know is that for the past several months, I've been in life-changing situations and I'm not quite sure what to do with it. I now have a boyfriend, I moved across the country, and I'm questioning a lot about myself. The past year brought a hell of a lot of internal changes for me, and I can see them manifesting externally now. But now, I don't know WHAT THE HELL TO DO WITH EVERYTHING.

With all this shift, I've kind of lost my identity. Having a boyfriend for the first time (especially one I live with) is very different. I've never had to think much about how my decisions may effect my loved ones. Now, my decisions are much more integrated with another person's personality, finances, interests, etc. And with the major shifts in the last year, a lot of things that I knew to be true were shattered. All by my choice mind you. But all of a sudden even my personality and what I know about life shifted greatly. It was my first big experience of Opening to Grace. I opened so much to other possible viewpoints of the world in general that I refuted much of what I knew before.

Right now, I'm in this weird sphere where I feel like I'm floating. Not anchored to much other than mundane obligations, and even those are minor. So I'm trying to gather these floating crystals scattered all about and put them back together in a way that makes sense to me. So I have nothing profound to say right now. I'm just trying to come back to the ground somehow.

AMAZING Kali Ma story

2011-04-10T06:31:00.000-07:00

So I've been posting every 6 months or so, then all of a sudden I post two days in a row! Exciting! Lately, I've been watching a Japanese Anime show called Black Butler. It never ceases to amaze me how chock full Japanese Anime can be with symbolism, knowledge, etc. Especially considering that it is animated-which at least in America we consider to be child's fodder. However, in Japan, animation is certainly not child's play. Rather, it creates a certain type of freedom that pure live action filming simply is not capable of creating without adding special effects, aka animation.

So my point is, if you have Netflix on demand and can watch a couple of episodes (more specifically the ones I am about to reveal), then you should ABSOLUTELY do so. In fact, it has been the best telling about Kali Ma that I have ever heard. And it did not come from my yoga teachers, it did not come from an Indian person, rather, it came from Japanese animators. HA! CRAZY!!!

So you should check this out:

Black Butler: Season 1 Part 2 (the episodes are in part 2, not part 1 bear in mind)

Episodes:
1. His Butler, Freeloader
2. His Butler, Supremely Talented
3. His Butler, Competing

They are all about 25 minutes apiece, so watching all three will only be about as long as a short comedy.

Here's some background about the story so that it is not too confusing to hop in half way through. Basically, it's about a young Earl in England named Ciel, and his butler Sebastian. Ciel's parents were killed over 2 years ago as their house was set ablaze, and nobody knows (that's part of the mystery of the story) who killed them. Somehow within that time period, Ciel was captured, but the story is unclear about what happened to him. All you know is that he called upon a Demon and made a contract with that Demon. All you really know is that the Demon (who becomes Ciel's butler Sebastian) is completely obligated to serve and protect Ciel as per the contract, and we don't know what Ciel's part of the deal is.

So when Ciel comes back to life (sorta, that's also unclear what happened but seems to be a common thing in Anime- that such stark clarities are unimportant and irrelevant), he continues his duties of serving the Queen of England; he is often referred to as the Queen's guard dog.

So, as the story progresses, 2 strange Indian men who are devotees of Kali Ma visit England, and that's where the first episode above begins. I don't want to give away much more, but the best and most important episode is the last one mentioned above. The first two are more like prefacing episodes (at least if you ask me) but the 3rd one is where the meat of it all is. I'm not interested in relating the whole story here, but rather offering the episodes to you so that you can experience them for yourself.

Please watch them, and comment as you may like. It's good shit.

Tidbits

2011-04-09T20:07:00.001-07:00

I've noticed that over the past year or more, that posting here has definitely taken a back seat. So, I figured it might be good to just post tidbits for now, as opposed to really committing to big inspiring awesome posts or some kind of attempt at that. So here's something I found very interesting in my newsletter from Yoga Sangha. It's a letter from BKS Iyengar to fashion designer Donna Karan:

My Dear Donna Karan,

As a yoga practitioner, may I request you, on behalf of myself and my friends from People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals India, take a stand against using the fur of animals that is removed by the cruelest killing methods.

Though I had the chance of meeting you when you hosted a vegetarian party to all members of the yoga family and friends a few years ago and were a number one designer of the world, I was not aware then that your designs included the use of animal fur.

Being a devoted student of yoga, undividedly practicing my method and compassionate at heart, may I request you to follow the principles of yamas and oblige by dropping furs, which are violently removed from the living animals, so that those animals which have the right to live, live in peace.

With my good wishes,

BKS Iyengar

Huh. Seems a bit unusual to me. Not saying whether it is bad or good, simply not something I expected. Well, have a good day everyone!

So I seem to write now about every 6 months...

2011-02-22T13:52:00.000-08:00

And here's the next one. I haven't been writing for a number of different reasons. Not being that inspired, not wanting to say everything, mostly because I'd like to try my thoughts out in my head as opposed to in writing, and not necessarily having the time. Of course, it's not like I do now either. But either way, I figured I'd do it today.

I find it interesting how I've grown much more private in some ways. I think it's because something that I've learned more over the last year or so is that so much of the drama that I go through is really just in my head. Not like, psycho drama, but rather, my frustrations, my difficulties, etc. are only as real as I give them life. And for many years I was taught (and rightfully so) to express all that drama. Mostly, because of my years of training as an actor. But finding a kind of container for that drama while also letting out what I need to say has been something I've been learning.

Which reminds me. I was talking to my friend and roommate Susan who has been studying Jyotish, or The Science of Light, which is basically Indian Yoga astrology. She asked what my dashas are right now (which are basically certain phases) and I am in Ketu and Rahu. She was surprised and excited about that. Apparently, the Ketu and Rahu are basically opposite, Rahu symbolically representing the head of the dragon, and Ketu representing the tail of the dragon. So I got a whole damn dragon in me right now!

Apparently, it represents more the ideas of letting go of bad karma and the plantings of seeds of a great future. From Wikipedia:

"Ketu signifies the spiritual process of the refinement of materialization to spirit and is considered both malefic and benefic, as it causes sorrow and loss, and yet at the same time turns the individual to God. In other words, it causes material loss in order to force a more spiritual outlook in the person. Ketu is a karaka or indicator of intelligence, wisdom, non-attachment, fantasy, penetrating insight, derangement, and psychic abilities. Ketu is believed to bring prosperity to the devotee's family, removes the effects of snakebite and illness arising out of poisons. He grants good health, wealth and cattle to his devotees. The people who come under the influence of Ketu can achieve great heights, most of them spiritual."

"Rahu is a legendary master of deception who signifies cheaters, pleasure seekers, operators in foreign lands, drug dealers, poison dealers, insincere & immoral acts, etc. It is the significator of an irreligious person, an outcast, harsh speech, logical fallacy, falsehoods, uncleanliness, abdominal ulcers, bones, and transmigration. Rahu is instrumental in strengthening one's power and converting even an enemy into a friend. In Buddhism Rahu is one of the krodhadevatas (terror-inspiring gods)."

Of course, these descriptions do not necessarily mean that I am currently embodying these qualities, as much as they are what I am confronting. I've described this feeling to friends more recently in terms more like Spanda- the contraction and expansion. Only, it's not just one or the other, as would seem to make clearer sense. I even feel this on a very visceral level. Like my inner body is expanding a lot, and yet my outter body is compressing around me, creating an interesting tension in the space between my inner self and outer self.

I figured that when I first started noticing these things, that it was going to be a short and interesting phase. And yet, it seems to be taking longer than I expected. Well, I can't wait to see where things go.

Dispersion of Thoughts

2010-08-12T10:22:00.000-07:00

For many reasons, I've been thinking lately that I should start blogging again. But I've had a lot of reservations about it as well. But for the first time in a long time, I came to my computer at some point this morning and decided to write. Last night I had a simple and smooth time swimming with friends. Catherine, Sam, Gioconda, Max, and Wendy. It was one of those not so complicated nights where you have a simple but delicious dinner, simple but gratifying dessert, and simple but exciting trampoline jump/water gun fight/game of Marco Polo. That's something that's changed a lot for me over the past couple of months that has actually been a difficult adjustment. The lack of drama. Outwardly anyways.

Gia talked a little bit last night about the processes she went through at the Hoffman Institute and mentioned that one of the techniques they use is this idea of checking in with your spirit guide. But she said that by the 3rd day, her spirit guide went missing. I thought this was actually an amazing thing, because, rather than her missing something along the process, it seemed to me that it was more of a matter of not needing the outside entity of a spirit guiding you. I think she was just tapped into herself more, and didn't need an external tool to guide her. She was just with her own Guru.

"Not all who wander are lost."

For so many reasons, I haven't been getting out much. And a lot of that has to do with the kind of energy that comes from all the forward folds I've been doing. I would definitely say I am currently in a state of nimesha spanda. It's quite funny to see how everything on the outside seems to be taking care of itself quite fine. The pieces of my life as a yoga teacher are actually coming together quite well. In fact, I've had to turn away some opportunities. And my abilities as a teacher seem to be naturally coming more smoothly as my classes are growing, and I don't feel like I've blasted out all of my energy after teaching a class. But the forward folds have been opening up my entire back body, tiring it, and pulling me so much further into the recesses of my own mind. Fortunately, I seem to recognize that it is only my mind that is working this way, and not necessarily "Me", or should I say "I", or maybe "The Self". And one thing that struck me as odd last night was how I would vocalize and perform in insecure ways, even though I didn't really feel all that insecure. I saw how my mind was kind of acting on it's own and my mouth would follow, despite the fact that I didn't actually feel the way I was speaking. Fortunately, I don't think I said anything too offensive, but just noticing how my actions seemed in accordance with what comes up from forward folding. BTW, I've definitely decided that I WILL NOT have a forward fold as a pose of the year for 2011. Maybe I'll I'll flip between backbend and forward fold from year to year...

Anyways, the personal behavior I've had lately, from staying in the house so much unless I have a class to teach or a meeting, watching Netflix like a crazy person, spending very little money and energy, had got me to questioning whether or not I should be doing so many forward folds. It's very out of character for me, and I will say, it is also not the most enjoyable side of Jeremiah. But it amazing me to see the serendipity and coincidence that has been showing up while I'm in this process. One of the best ones is the presence of a song. When it's in your head, then it plays on your ipod, then it is in the store you're shopping at, then it's on Pandora. I find these (along with other coincidences that seem to pop up) as nice little reminders that I am on the right path for myself. Because, like Gia had mentioned for herself, my spirit guide is MIA. But I think I just don't really need that external guide or idea to the extent that I did before. It is here inside, I recognize it, and it is not separate from me. And so we move forward...

Potential

2010-04-22T22:49:00.000-07:00

So the other day, my roommate started talking to me about all the crazy volcanic activity in Iceland. She had recently returned from the Coachella Music Festival and several bands were absent and stuck in Europe because of the ash cloud preventing travel from there. She showed me a couple of pictures of the volcanoes and they were amazing. Here's a couple:

Numero Uno

Numero Dos

As I saw these images, I was quite amazed at the raw power of the Earth. These volcanoes are the areas where the unseen depths of the Earth burst forth and create new land, new fertile spaces for life to begin flourishing. Iceland is one of the youngest areas of the world that is also inhabited by people, and the landscapes there are amazingly diverse and beautiful. But if you look at these pictures, this place of raw potential seems quite destructive and, well, hectic. The plumes of ash themselves birth lightning storms while glowing red lava spews from beneath. It's a really big contained cloud o' crazy! And yet, because of these intense places, new beauty is allowed to spring forth. The ash and destruction of the volcano is the perfect birthing ground for anything that the Earth is capable of creating. Volcanic ash is some of the most fertile ground around.

It's interesting to see how this craze of light and dark and smoldering and spewing can really be a creative force. This is also something quite common in life (if you're into it). In order to learn something in this life, to truly LEARN something of worth and importance, something else internal must die. We often hold strong to beliefs or ideas that make us comfortable. And when we are confronted by a seemingly contrary belief, a storm brews inside of us. And sometimes, we can contain this brewing storm to a point where we feel like the inside of ourselves is exploding and dying. But when the storm has cleared, we are left with a field of potential growth. We see the landscapes before us and the many possible seeds that can begin sprouting.

I remember I was housesitting for Anne many months ago and got obsessed with her True Blood DVDs. There was an episode where Tara's life has basically been blown to bits and she is speaking to a woman who said "Maybe life has just cleared out all the things that weren't working for you. Now you've got room to rebuild, decide exactly what you want your life to look like and make that happen." So even after a crazy insane dramatic storm, we have cleared away some useless debris. Once the dust settles, we actually have a clearer vision of what lays before us and is waiting to manifest. And we have the option to chose what we want for ourselves. A volcano may be hard to survive, but it is a beautiful and natural process that gives you all the choice in the world.

Things are Changing...

2010-04-19T10:57:00.001-07:00

For the better. It's amazing the things we can convince ourselves of when we are scared. I feel like I'm recovering. On my way back from a modern addiction to the places where home exists. Soon...

Spirit

2010-01-18T17:25:00.000-08:00

"I believe that at the center of the universe there dwells a loving spirit who longs for all that's best in all of creation, a spirit who knows the great potential of each planet as well as each person, and little by little will love us into being more than we ever dreamed possible. That loving spirit would rather die than give up on any one of us."

From the section "Who You Are Right Now" of Fred Rogers's book "Life's Journeys According to Mr. Rogers: Things to Remember Along the Way."

Whole

2010-01-14T13:48:00.000-08:00

From the Who You Are Right Now section of "Life's Journeys According to Mr. Rogers: Things to Remember Along the Way" by Fred Rogers:

"We can't be expected to leave the unhappy and angry parts of ourselves at the door before coming in. We all need to feel that we can bring the whole of ourselves to the people who care about us."

Next up from Mr. Rogers

2010-01-07T06:37:00.000-08:00

"Anything that's human is mentionable, and anything that is mentionable can be more manageable. When we can talk about our feelings, they become less overwhelming, less upsetting, and less scary. The people we trust with that important talk can help us know that we're not alone."

Who am I?

2010-01-03T14:23:00.000-08:00

Here's the next excerpt from Mr. Roger's book:

"Each person in the world is a unique human being, and each has unique human potential. One of the important tasks of growing is the discovery of this uniqueness: the discovery of 'who I am' in each of us- of "who I am" in relation to all those whom I meet."

Oh, and a sweet little video of me doing Eka Pada Rajakapotasana

2010-01-01T19:07:00.000-08:00

New Year, Mr. Rogers, and Mt. Bonnell

2010-01-01T07:51:00.000-08:00

The New Year has started out GREAT!!! Which I'm very happy about considering how trying 2009 has been for me on so many levels. But the other day, Gioconda put on Facebook that she was planning on going to Mt. Bonnell to greet the first sunrise of the year, and I thought that sounded great. So I got up before dawn this morning, got cutesied up, and headed out to Mt. Bonnell. I was the first to arrive when it was still dark and quiet without many people there. These days I'm a bit conflicted about how much alone time I should really have as it is time to reflect. But sometimes, too much reflection I think can just give you a complex. But fortunately, within the next 10 minutes or so, people started showing up.

All in all, it was me, Sabia, Gioconda, Sanieh, Wendy, Keith, and Sanieh's friend that I hadn't met before who I think is hilarious. I brought scones, as did Sanieh, while Wendy brought some sweet muffins and Gioconda brought hot chocolate. Oh my, the chocolate was a nice high. So we stood around, joked around, and shivered around a picnic table until the sun peaked over the horizon. Once we cold see it, we all started chanting the Gayatri Mantra until the sun had fully risen, which was a nice invitation to the New Year I think.

Afterwards, we stood around and joked and talked a little about what our intentions are for the New Year. For me, the big one this year is Connection. So, Saraswati mantras in the morning, and really looking at things on a level of connecting with myself more effectively, my already established relationships, and moving out to connect outside of that in general as well. While we were discussing this, I brought out a book that I had bought recently while Christmas shopping. I was in an antique store and saw a book called "Life's Journeys According to Mr. Rogers: Things to Remember Along the Way." I picked it up and went to the first excerpt, which was just what I needed at the time, and I started tearing up in the antique store. The woman behind the counter said "Mr. Rogers always knows just what to say, doesn't he?" Of course I agreed, and bought the book.

As I've been going through the book, I've seen so much wisdom that I've needed to hear, and decided that it is something I want to share. I shared it with my friends on Mt. Bonnell, and now, I want to share it with you, my neighbor. I think that Mr. Rogers would be fine with me posting these, as I'm sure they are reminders that he would like anyone to hear. So this is the first excerpt from the book:

From the Section "Who You Are Right Now"

There are many times that I wish I had heard that "just who you are at this moment, with the way that you're feeling, is fine. You don't have to be anything more than who you are right now." I'd like to think it's also something that's happened to me through the years, that I'm more able to accept myself as I happen to be, rather than as somebody thought I should be.

-Mr. Rogers

More of these sweet excerpts to come. Oh yeah, and Krauncasana is my new pose of the year.

Eat Breathe Sleep Yoga!

2009-11-04T13:46:00.001-08:00

Hey everyone! I wanted to post here that I'll be leading a yoga retreat in Wimberley, TX this December. It's great because it's not a huge commitment at all and it won't break the bank. Meals are included, it's only a Saturday and Sunday to help you chill out before Christmas stress, and it's set at the beautiful EIEIO organic farm outside Wimberley. If you have any questions, you can e-mail me at roquelaure_rouge@yahoo.com or info@austinyesyoga.com. Also, to sign up, e-mail info@austinyesyoga.com. If you want more info visit here. Can't wait to see ya!

A little more about my name

2009-10-22T19:36:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I was so blessed to be in a little discussion format sorta thing with several friends and fellow teachers. It was lead by the fabulous Liz Belile and Brigette Edery. We did a number of physiological therapeutic adjustments on one another, mostly working with the psoas and it's relationship to inner spiral. But we also discussed much about observation of the physical body, the emotional body, seeing the dominant doshas in others, etc. And somewhere along the beginning of the whole thing, I was reminded of a Bible verse that I looked up recently.

Some of you may know that I've lately been a little interested in numerology. And I'm surprised that when I posted some information about my name some time ago, that I didn't include this very popular passage from the Bible. Here are several translations of Jeremiah 29:11 from different versions of the Bible (oh, and if you add the 2 and the 9, you get 11. Thus 11:11):

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith Jehovah, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you hope in your latter end.

For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of affliction, to give you an end and patience.

So I thought this was interesting with the whole 11:11 thing, combined with my name and how different translations all deal with hope, waiting, expectation, etc. But anyways, time to go to bed. I gotta get up early tomorrow to go practice with Mandy! Then, I get to go down to Wimberly to check out the farm on which I will be teaching a weekend yoga retreat that is gonna be AWESOME!!! More details on that soon. Goodnight!

Esperando

2009-09-23T10:07:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was in Spanish class and within a few sentences, my teacher used the word "Esperar" in two different ways, but I understood her. But it did raise some questions for me, and so I asked her after class "So, in Spanish, the verb 'esperar' means both 'to hope' and 'to wait'?" She said yes.

This was quite interesting to me. Especially since a few weeks ago, I taught a class thematically based on Hope, and Christina and I two days later had a conversation about Faith and loss thereof. I found it interesting the views we have about Hope and Faith.

In my class I taught how we have times when Faith completely fails us. We loose any belief in anything, we feel that something important to us has been stolen, sometimes even by other people, sometimes by our experiences, sometimes by the fact that things don't go our way. Our Faith is lost. But we always have Hope. That is something that cannot be taken from us unless we consciously choose to let it go. That being said, I think it's kind of funny that in some instances, Hoping is really just Waiting.

Sometimes, if Hope is all you have, all you can do is Wait. Just keep existing, just keep Waiting. Of course I'm flippantly using the word "just" and as we (at least some of us impatient ones) know, it can be quite difficult to "just" wait or "just" exist. I've definitely had many experiences over the last year with people, school, yoga, traveling, and whatnot that honestly seem to have made me loose faith in... well... just about anything, everything, and everyone. That the variability, the coincidence, the mutability, and this supposedly "Graceful flow" of life is really just a matter of shit simply happening for whatever reason or no reason at all. Pure Lila. And being someone who has wholeheartedly chosen to place my faith and heart (Shraddha in Sanskrit translates to "Shradd" meanings "to place" and "ha" meaning "heart") in certain areas, only for every single one of them to fall out or short of my expectations, has been... well... disappointing.

It is said that the main lesson in the Bhagavad Gita is to act without being attached to the result. Win or lose, achieve or not achieve is unimportant, but acting is what we do. But if you don't achieve or get results, what is the point in acting? What is the payoff? It seems to me that unfocused action is basically the same as unintelligent blundering. So is the lesson of the Bhagavad Gita just to act the fool? To know and care of nothing, just continue to exist? To fight, but for nothing? To Hope and Wait, but for nothing? To know that I know nothing? At this point, I seem to be inadvertently moving into a Buddhist philosophy of "the great nothing/void."

So this really only brings me to the conclusion that Hope seems to be supremely inspiring while Waiting seems to be horrifically depressing. But they are the same thing. One extreme and the other mutually exist while we are simply stuck in the middle getting closer to neither one. So why? Or at least, why has this subject become meaningful to me when I once knew that I understood nothing of this and was satisfied?

Okay, honestly, I did not write this with the intention of it becoming so depressing, but I guess that's just the way things go.

Free Day of Yoga!

2009-09-06T07:25:00.000-07:00

Hello peoples. So just wanted to let people know that I will be teaching a class on Free Day of Yoga, tomorrow, Sept. 7th. Here's the info:

Sundara Yoga
12636 Research Blvd., Austin, Texas 78759

Flow Fusion (A little flow and a little slow)
Beginner/Intermediate
10:45 - 12:00

Come join me, it'll be awesome. I'm thinking that since it is FREE DAY OF YOGA, that we'll be thinking about the yogic concept of Freedom or Svatantrya. I've also had lots of thoughts floating around in my mind lately that I've been wanting to blog about and have jotted down some thoughts, but plan on posting them soon. So stay tuned!

SO CUTE!!!

2009-08-31T10:36:00.000-07:00

So I got this little cell phone video from one of the kids I was working with in Ecuador and I thought it was SO CUTE, I just had to have it. I finally got it working so that it is actually posting on blogger now. Enjoy.

Empower Yoga Grand Opening!

2009-08-28T09:48:00.000-07:00

Hey Everyone! Empower Yoga is having it's Grand Opening! It's a beautiful new studio downtown that I'll be teaching at. Oh, and your first week there is only $20 for unlimited yoga. Unfortunately, I can't figure out how to upload the flyer to blogger, but here's a link to the information about the Grand Opening and you can navigate the website further if you want as well: Empower Yoga Grand Opening!

First day back at School!

2009-08-26T09:45:00.001-07:00

So here I am sitting in the lobby of CMA (Communications building) at UT, my old dungeon from the last fall and spring. Really, it's actually kinda great because I'm already ahead on all my classes because of this new schedule I've set for myself and the fact that I've made a point to start reading and preparing for school early. I've even already done my first reading assignment for one of my courses before I even knew what it was! Coolness...

So something I was discussing with Christina yesterday after my demo class at CastleHill was how much yoga has changed locally, even over the past 3 years I've been here. It's really quite interesting to see the relationship between the commercialization of it, the spiritual practice of it, and the individual's relationship with it. And of course how even those three aspects change. But that's kinda cool really because yoga is a LIVING TRADITION after all, right? It's not a static tradition, but rather it changes as it moves through the world, through people, so that it can move you from a place within. One of the great things that we came down to in our discussion was the importance of JUST PRACTICING. Because the nature of life is to change, our surroundings, our emotions, our thoughts, and our everyday stressors are likely to change for the Lila of it- on a moments notice or without notice at all. So in a modern world where change is greatly inherent in our lives, even to a good extent for people who have very steady, stay the line jobs, it is important for us to have something steady to support us through our life changes. And really, even our practices change. Our bodies change, our capabilities change, what feels good in a practice changes, but what is important is that we have a steady practice. In so many ways, I have truly found that practicing yoga steadily is what has kept me in generally good places. And being how Vata I naturally am, it's SOOOO easy for things to go from good to bad, bad to worse, and horrible to awesome in seconds.

So one of the big things I have created for myself as a steady practice, is a daily, consistent practice that includes mantra, pranayama, and asana. Honestly, meditation right now I'm keeping for when it feels right, but right now (and yes, I started this a few days ago and it really is happening) I wake up at 5am, go directly to my yoga space, and begin my practices. I don't think that this type of daily austerity in practice time/place/etc. is for everyone, but it's good for me because it gives me something to focus on regularly at a time that works for me. WIth my school schedule, I don't have any other time that is really convenient, so I go to bed early, wake up early, and practice (BTW, for any of you with Vata tendencies, early to bed and early to rise is good for you in general).

So the main thing is, steady practice is what is important. Whether it's a personal practice, a group practice, at different times of the day, or whatever, do your best to show up to your mat/altar/space everyday. Even if you sit there and say "Yeah, it's totally not coming right now. I ain't doin' asana," you have made the point to show up to your practice. I believe that Woody Allen once said "90% of life is just showing up." So show up to your yoga, and show up to your life.

Anyways, back to school a bit, I'm also excited about having a regular schedule again in general. It gives me consistency with school, and I have certain blocks of time open in the middle of my day to get lots of work done. Daily practice, daily focus, and a day off at the end of the week to feel free to screw up and screw off is all looking good right now.

Last minute reminder

2009-08-24T16:21:00.001-07:00

For those of you who can come, I have a demo class at CastleHill tomorrow, Aug. 25th from 2-3:15. See you guys then!

Pics from Ecuador and Wanderlust!

2009-08-20T19:01:00.000-07:00

So yes, it's been about a month since I got back from the Wanderlust Yoga and Music Festival, and 2 months since I got back from Ecuador, but I figured later is better than never. So here's some stuff! I'll have some videos up later.

First time Viparita Chakrasana!

2009-08-19T17:15:00.000-07:00

YAY! So today, I went to Empower Yoga where I start teaching this Friday, and I practiced with sweetie pie Ashley Hartley over there. BTW, she has an AMAZING practice! After a simple warm up and about 4 poses in, she went right into Vrischikasana 1 or Scorpion 1. It was kinda beautiful to witness. Okay, more than kinda beautiful, simply beautiful.

Over the last few months, I've managed to be able to go from a full backbend (Urdhva Dhanurasana) to standing, albeit a little sloppy at first. Then, just last week, I was practicing with another lovely friend of mine Mandy Eubanks and managed to do a dropback and come right back to standing up. Yahoo!!! And then, I continued to do 3 dropback/standups in a row, by myself, keeping my heels down! So that was totally jazzing to me. And then, today while practicing with Ashley and discussing what kind of yoga clothes men like, I managed to do full Viparita Chakrasana by myself! YAY! It was a tad sloppy, but it is the first step in putting the sequence together.

So for those of you who would like to know what the hell Viparita Chakrasana is... I tried to look for a video but couldn't find a full version I liked. But it's going from Tadasana (standing), dropping back to a full backbend (Urdhva Dhanurasana), kicking up to a handstand (Adho Mukha Vrksasana), going back to Downward Dog (Adho Muhka Svanasana), piking back up to handstand, dropping back from handstand to Urdhva Dhanurasana, and coming back to standing from Urdhva Dhanurasana. It was a tad sloppy, and honestly, I bent my elbows a bit to get from Urdhva Dhanurasana to handstand. And I didn't manage to stick the handstand in the middle, but I'm quite proud anyways because I didn't come to practice expecting to go further in anything, and managed to do a full Viparita Chakrasana. So now for refining it...

Also, everybody, I'm teaching a FREE all levels class at Castle Hill Fitness on Tuesday Aug. 25th from 2 to 3:15, so come on over! Love to have ya, and it's a good way to start off the first day of school the next day.

Niralamba and the Kula

2009-08-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

In the chant we begin every class with in Anusara yoga, there is the last line:

Niralambaya Tejase

This line translates as "Independent in existence, it is the vital essence of illumination." And basically, Niralamba means without support. Through the different aspects of life, work life, play life, school life, home life, etc. we sometimes feel ourselves falling short. For whatever reason, external or internal, we have times in which our Tejas or our light is cloaked, hidden, or difficult to find. And we feel the heavy aspect of what Niralamba means at times, we feel unsupported, without a foundation, or falling down. But then enters the kula.

I do remember reading somewhere that a certain Tantric scholar translated Niralamba as "never without support." In my dealings as of late within the yoga community, I have found myself never without support. So this aspect of taking the perspective of "never without support" has been more significant as of late. Simply through admission of feeling difficult times, the kula, or our community and family of friends, teachers, practitioners, and students, rise to the occasion. They remind us that sometimes, Niralamba really means "never without support." I truly am so lucky to have such a beautiful community of people with whom to learn and grow, and to spread support and happiness. The kula I belong to truly expands beyond all that I can post here today, but these are the people that I've been thinking of lately who have made the strong choice to support, to be there, and to help. I simply can't wait to be there for them when they may need help. To the kula I love!

Mandy Eubanks

Gioconda

Christina Sell

Anne Bowery

Mark Franke

Hannah Emlen

And last but not least, John Friend

Atha Kali Ma

2009-07-27T12:47:00.000-07:00

(This post was actually written 7-17-09, but I did not post it until today, so it predates the last post. Just FYI)

Today I took the opportunity, to meditate longer than usual. There were a number of factors that contributed to this decision. I meditated 3 times longer, and something came to me. Interestingly and oddly and obviously enough, it wasn’t anything I didn’t already know, but rather a clarity came and I saw my situation from a larger perspective. That is the process is it not? Purifying our understanding of what it is we are going through right now?

When I was 19 years old, I didn’t quite realize it, but lots of huge life changes happened at once. I came into my sexuality, came out of the closet, started my first year of college, started yoga, and had a significant and sufficiently trying interpersonal relationship with someone, and all these changes happened within a month. Looking back on it, although I didn’t realize it at the time, it was one of the hardest points in my life. Now jump forward 6 years. All the exact same issues are present and weighing upon me, but on a whole other level. There is much that can be said of this.

So the main point that I came upon when I meditated, was that this time period, I don’t know how long it will be, but this time period is where I am going to the next level. And not just in the subjects aforementioned, but in every facet of the diamond of my life. Fortunately, this time around, I am much more aware of it. Why is this happening now? It could be all those Kali mantras I said in Ecuador everyday at sunset, it could be something in my Vedic chart that is supposed to happen now, it could be that I am finally ready, who knows. And in all honesty, I don’t know if I give a fuck why it is happening now, I am just happy that I can see it coming. And I believe that Lakshmi’s support is present to help me through this time. And really, I’m saying Lakshmi mostly because it’s easier to use the metaphor of Lakshmi than to go all the way into what the metaphor means. I don’t worship Lakshmi as a Hindu deity; I’m not Hindu. But I do believe that she is a good representative of what I’m trying to get across.

I previously decided to take the maximum amount of hours UT allows: 17. I will also teach part time, and seeing how things go, maybe get to do a little Svadhyaya along the way. Am I’m talking about study of texts and with teachers. And in all honesty there’s a possibility that I might drop a class at some point, but I can do that without penalty so it’s fine.

But back to my main point, I’ve seen how starting yoga has begun to jump to a new level of personal practice and teaching. I see how my sexuality and my presentation of it is slowly shifting. I see how school is changing in it’s significance to me, or at least my capacity for school. I also see a specific interpersonal relationship that has been greatly significant for many reasons, and a hard lesson on many levels, whether I like it or not.

And Kali’s significance in all of this? She often is depicted as the destroyer of the ego, but truly, she is the purifier of the ego and the representative of time’s affect upon life. One thing that Kali is often not credited for, however, is that she also purifies the aspect of the ego that makes us believe we are incapable of handling what is put upon our path. So though Kali presents us with knives, she does so in order to cut off the extraneous that we attach ourselves to. So we can move forward in this world, more focused, more ready, and with a higher capacity for the things that come. She is also the destroyer of fear. And in all honesty, I do feel fear about where I’m going, but that rarely stops me from doing what I should.

So here’s to Kali Ma. The mother who eats our karma, purifies us, and supports us with tough love. I give thanks.

A Pulsation of Boundaries

2009-07-26T13:48:00.000-07:00

Being here at the Wanderlust festival in Squaw Valley near Lake Tahoe has gotten me to think more about boundaries. Actually, they've been in my mind to some capacity for awhile, but I guess I was thinking and realized something else today. In general, I don't like boundaries. I understand that they are often necessary in this manifested world, but they aren't things that I seek. Rather, they are things that I respect and see as necessary at times, but certainly not something I really strive for.

Being with my friend Mandy here as well as other people I've either met or know has subtly made me see this kind of thing. It's not that our boundaries are array and we aren't getting along, or anything like that. In fact, it very much feels like the same relationship we have normally. But just seeing it in a different situation I guess is what is making me see it a little more clearly. I remember when John was in town last November how he said that on his altar, he places a picture of a teacher, a picture of a student, a picture of a friend, and a picture of an enemy. I had thought about doing that, and it resonated with me, but didn't seem like what I really wanted to do. I think I might understand a little more now why it is that I didn't want to practice the same type of offering. It's not that John's idea wasn't good or that I don't think people should do it, but I didn't think it made as much sense to me considering the way I navigate relationships.

I want everyone I know to be my friend, to be my enemy, to be my student, and to be my teacher. I don't really differentiate between the 4 types. And honestly, I don't want to. I want to know all kinds of people, and I want to communicate with them. I make a point to not limit my friends or the type of friends I have. And by friends in this sense, I guess I really mean the people I know period, not like my BFFs or the people I just enjoy being around. I know druggies, I know practical saints, I know rich people, I've hung out with beggars, and I feel like they are all apart of me and that is something I want to connect with. Of course, this does not mean that I'm on drugs or on the streets, but I can certainly relate to all these people on some level or another. One thing that I love about Mandy is that (at least personally, I can't exactly speak for Mandy) we can be together and have fun. We can be together and be upset or angry or annoyed with one another. We can teach each other something, whether we realize we are doing it or not. No matter what state or emotions or feelings we have at any given moment, we can be with one another in them without getting scared or judging one another. At the same time, we can also just walk away from one another and do our own thing and that is fine too.

But in general, when someone tries to connect with me and I'm not into it or when I wish to connect with someone else and they aren't into it (in any type of relationship), I actually feel hurt. I know if I'm totally not interested in being around someone like a fellow classmate at school, that I'll be scared or disappointed in myself. And when I'm around someone who doesn't have any interest in connecting with me at all, it hurts as well. And so when boundaries are quite so strong, there becomes an intense disconnect. Not just between two people, but with the world at large. So I feel. And I'm happy to know people and not always like them or not always have them like me. I don't think that it is completely necessary for everything to always be fully happy and positive. Because then, things just get fake. And I'm really not interested in that. I'd much rather be honest about the way I feel whether it is positive or not. Of course it is slightly different when you are teaching because your always helping people to balance themselves, so sometimes not saying what you're thinking is an offering to your student for them to help themselves. But in the realm of relationships in general, I feel the boundaries should generally become less clear with time so that they have the opportunity to shift at appropriate times without tearing down everything that you've built. Just like, you build with Muscular energy, then expand into possibilities with Organic energy, but Organic energy does not break down Muscular energy. It just shifts the way it works in your body (and mind, and spirit and everything) so that the boundary is still there but more pliable and more understood. And even the Spanda pulsation of these boundaries from the nucleus is not purely in and out. It shifts to the side, goes in, gets oblong or warps into an awkward and difficult to discern form just before expanding brightly again.

So yes, it hurts when I cannot connect with others, no matter who the disconnect is stemming from. But I'm not looking for my world to always be perfect, happy, shining, and bright. I'm not looking to only have the most positive, happy-happy-joy-joy people around me. Because if anything, I truly feel that there is a beauty inside everyone that can be connected with. And sometimes, it takes time to see it, and it takes effort to see it, and it takes time apart to see it, but it is always something to seek. And I also don't look at myself as a person made of separate pieces that have to be glued together in order to function. I'd much rather be always aware of all the facets of myself, and be capable of moving with them all present within me at all times. I don't want my puzzle pieces to just fit together because they have to, I want them to be apart of one another and work in conjunction.

So, one can:

Love me
Like me
Accept me

or
at
least

Tolerate me

And it's all okay. Just be with me.

(Disclaimer: this has me thinking about relationships and boundaries in general, not anyone specific one)

To me, on the art of learning...

2009-06-03T16:00:00.000-07:00

"I was bewildered and worried that my entire scale of values was untrustworthy. ... I confessed that I had a burning desire to be excellent, but no faith that I could be. Martha said to me, very quietly,

There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open. ... No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."

from The Life and Work of Martha Graham

Some Wikipedia about my name

2009-05-31T13:42:00.001-07:00

So I'm currently writing a script that came to me in a sunbathing meditation while listening to Nelly Furtado. When beginning to write, I decided I needed to get onto Wikipedia to research names for my characters. While on there, I decided to look up my own name and the prophet of Jeremiah, as I have never really looked into it. Basically, this is what I've found:

Jeremiah- meaning "will raise."

His writings are put together in the Book of Jeremiah and traditionally, authorship of the Book of Lamentations is ascribed to him. Jeremiah is also famous as "the broken-hearted prophet" (who wrote or dictated a "broken-hearted book", which has been difficult for scholars to put into chronological order), whose heart-rending life, and true prophecies of dire warning went largely unheeded by the people of Israel. God told Jeremiah, "You will go to them; but for their part, they will not listen to you".
Similar written works that convey similar lament, criticism, and warning are sometimes called a "Jeremiad".

Introspection

The book of Jeremiah depicts a remarkably introspective prophet, a prophet struggling with and often overwhelmed by the role into which he has been thrust. Jeremiah interspersed efforts to warn the people with pleas for mercy until he is ordered to "pray no more for this people" (Jer. 7:16, 14:11) -- and then sneaks in a few extra pleas between the lines. He engages in what may seem like strange behavior, but which might be described as 'acted parables', such as walking about in the streets with a yoke about his neck and engaging in other efforts to attract attention. Others engage in rival acts that parody and critique his. He is taunted, put in jail, at one point thrown in a pit to die. He was often bitter about his experience, and expresses the anger and frustration he feels. He is not depicted as a man of iron, and yet he continues in preaching and praying for God's people.

Rabbinic literature

In Jewish rabbinic literature, especially the aggadah, Jeremiah and Moses are often mentioned together; their life and works being presented in parallel lines. The following ancient midrash is especially interesting, in connection with Deut. xviii. 18, in which "a prophet like Moses" is promised: "As Moses was a prophet for forty years, so was Jeremiah; as Moses prophesied concerning Judah and Benjamin, so did Jeremiah; as Moses' own tribe [the Levites under Korah] rose up against him, so did Jeremiah's tribe revolt against him; Moses was cast into the water, Jeremiah into a pit; as Moses was saved by a slave (the slave of Pharaoh's daughter); so, Jeremiah was rescued by a slave (Ebed-melech); Moses reprimanded the people in discourses; so did Jeremiah."

Christianity

Jeremiah's example inspires Christians to persevere in proclaiming the gospel even when it is not popular, and even when being ridiculed, as well as to trust that even when disaster strikes, God has long-range plans for the restoration of his people.

Traditional perspectives
Jeremiah is traditionally credited with authoring the Book of Jeremiah, 1 Kings, 2 Kings and the Book of Lamentations with the assistance and under the editorship of Baruch ben Neriah, his scribe and disciple.

Jewish
Commentator Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel wrote that the book is written as if Jeremiah not only heard as words but personally felt in his body and emotions the experience of what he prophesized, that the verse
Are not all my words as fire, sayeth the LORD, and a hammer that shatters rock
was a clue as to how difficult the overwhelming, personality-shattering experience of being a vehicle for Divine revelation was, on one of the most difficult tasks ever assigned, and how difficult it was to be able to see, in advance, ones own failure.

Well, the good news is, there's this thing called choice in our lives. So it's not like the fate of Jeremiah in these old traditions are my fate. But I definitely see many parallels, and I am a person who believes that everything happens for a reason. I definitely find at least some amount of ownership with this information, but I also have the choice to not play the constant martyr, and to enjoy my life as well. Anyways, just musings really.

I learned an important lesson today...

2009-05-29T16:31:00.000-07:00

For some time now, I haven't approached my yoga practice as a fun thing, necessarily. Yeah, I have fun in my practice, but I've definitely used it more to increase my capacity to deal with the things that, well really, I just can't deal with or have a lot of difficulty with. So it's been there to make transitions easier I guess. It was great to also have the opportunity to study in Ecuador with BJ, and I'm so happy about that, greatly because it jump started my practice (I had a terrific 2 and a half hour backbend practice starting at 6am this morning), but also because I really think she helped me to plant some seeds that I didn't really allow myself to accept before...

I've never actually approached my practice primarily from a place of Grace. I've never Opened to Grace first (I'm NOT talking about the physiological aspect of this first principle). I've always found that it is so much easier to feel the flow once I have done a great amount of muscle energy and work and put in a lot of time, and then found a little organic energy, and boom, Open to Grace (in a more esoteric sense) begins to take hold. With BJ, she was vigilant about always making sure to Open to Grace first. Above anything else, and not just physiolgically lenthening your side body and filling up your chest cavity, but really, OPEN TO THE FLOW OF GRACE FIRST. In fact, it was kinda funny because I was doing what should have been a simple demo of Adho Mukha Svanasana and it just wasn't working and BJ was constantly reminding me on all levels to Open to Grace and I just couldn't seem to do it. I simply just kinda wait for Grace to come through hard work and effort and a willingness to expand a little.

And the way I've approached my practice on a more personal level in my life, it that through teaching and learning, teaching and learning, teaching and learning, I will know God/Grace/whatever more fully. Through the fire of the two, I would become slowly more and more purified- it's been a type of path. And not that it will stop, but so far, I really don't think I've been practicing for the sake of being happier. I've been practicing much more to be better, to be stronger, to handle more of life's punches and to handle them better, but not to be happy. I've been practicing more to keep myself safe from my life. And this past semester at school, I've had crazy difficulty taking the punches because I've not had the opportunity to practice, certainly not much asana, pranayama, or meditation anyways. Just philosophy (and probably not very well). In fact, I've really only approached everything I do over the past year or so for the sake of learning, and for the sake of building my capacity to take life's punches better. I've been coming from a place where I assume that life is not supposed to be that good, or that fun, or really even worth it. I've been constantly jonesing for the day when I see that all of my hard work has paid off and I don't have to feel the shit that hurts so much. Really, I'm a sensitive person, and I don't exactly like that.

But late last year, things began to change. Some where along (and I don't know where), I had planted seeds that began to slowly reach up towards to light. It started with a night in November, began to open more during the John Friend workshop in Austin, and has kept growing, slowly but constantly showing me the new leaves and buds that are a part of me.

And today, I really think I've gotten the hardest knock to date. Not actually from an outside source, not directly anyways, but from an internal experience. And though it came with a painful tear in my heart, I think the flower burst open. I realized today that I don't want flowing with Grace to just be flowing with the punches life gives me and being tougher to hide my sensitivity and desensitize myself. I don't don't want it to mean that I'm constantly working to simply purify myself. I really want to try to be happy. I'm not saying that I don't want to work hard, or be purified, or reach for the highest, but I don't want to be doing all of that in vain. I've really learned SO much over the past year or so, but the lessons keep getting harder and harsher, and I think it's because I asked for them. But honestly, I want these lessons to pay the fuck off.

I've been practicing yoga to hate myself less and hate others less. But now, really, I think I want to practice to love myself more and love others more. I still want to learn, but I don't want to just look for God in the hard knocks of life. I want to find God in beauty too. And not just in appreciation for something like a waterfall, but also, to be able to experience it, to love it, to own that love, and to own it intelligently.

I know it sounds totally corny, but it's totally true. Those of you who know Anusara anyways will now what I'm talking about. But I can feel my inner body shifting as I write this. Really, my eyes are open and I see my body, but I feel it moving from the inside rather than the out. As usual, these things are crazy and esoteric and sound like bullshit, but really, that's why yoga is experiential, not scientific. Because pure science cannot explain what it does to you, only a willingess to participate in the flow. I'm shifting in my mind, and my body is connected, so it all shifts together...

Look for the love.

¡Sí Se Puede!

2009-05-28T17:33:00.000-07:00

Bienvenidos from Ecuador! So today is the official day that we as a group have begun the La Poderosa Media Project here in Bahía de Caráquez, Ecuador. I´m totally syked, but first, a recap of my trip thus far...

So I left Austin on Monday, the 18th of May and arrived in the early evening in Quito. However, my maleta (luggage) was being a little queeny and decided that now wasn´t the time for her to come to Ecuador with me. But the next evening she decided that she wasn´t angry with me anymore so she reluctanly came to the Quito airport. For the first couple of nights, the family of the director of the project very sweetly took me into their home and gave me a comfortable bed to sleep in in their house. The house was not something I was used to, but I liked it very much; the setup of it was totally new to me. It was 2 stories and 5 bedrooms, and it had a sort of sunken living room with a cool staircase to the second floor. Unfortunately, I don´t have pics of the house though.

Anyways, the morning after arriving, I went to the Quito Tennis and Golf Club for the Part I Immersion with BJ Galvan. It was exactly what I needed energetically, and was great the jump start my practice so I could once again ride the wave into my own personal practice again. Here are some great pics of the Immersion, my new friends in Ecuador, and even a little partying:

So the Immersion experience for me was expected, but that was a great thing for me. Since I´ve been through one before, I knew the kinds of experiences we would all have: the high times, the confusing times, and the times to work on letting things go. I know for a fact that we all got the opportunity to work through many things in ourselves, from poses to pains in the body, as well as breaking the bonds of thinking patterns, and emotional releases that needed to happen. I´m so greatful to have a new kula to add to my Austin, Texas kula! I love all of you guys! Here´s some more:

I love how Alex is yawning in the background of the picture with me in Astavakrasana after a gruelling arm balance flow like ¨Yeah, I´ve seen THAT before...¨

So now, the cool thing is, I´ve decided to start up this La Poderosa project with un Acción muy Poderosa. So for high intentions, you must create strong actions, so this Saturday, I´ll be swimming across the ENTIRE Bay of Caráquez and back! Yep, that´s right, I´ll be swimming about a mile and a half through ocean waters for the Lila of it! I´ll keep you guys posted.

Con mucho amor,

JW

New bloggings!

2009-05-15T20:53:00.000-07:00

And I'm done with school this semester. Fin. I took my last final a couple of hours ago, and I'm done. And then I went ahead and looked at my updated grades online and was shocked to find that I made all A's. I sure as hell thought I would have made at least 1 B. But I guess that's cool. Anyways, this morning I just did a few preparations for Ecuador, practiced some much needed backbends, then taught two privates at AppleCare Acupuncture (sweet new location at SoCo and Riverside), studied a little bit, took my final, and then went to the book store and grabbed Plato's Republic and Nietzsche's Thus Spoke Zarathustra for plane reading and S. America reading. Although I should probably first read the book on Ecuador that I have. Anyways, tomorrow will just be packing, preparing, and practicing. The 3 P's of Jeremiah's life. I'm always moving, always trying to get ahead, and always working on getting better at something or another.

So cool thing. I leave on Monday for Ecuador and as it turns out, the project wants someone to blog for them... hmm. Guess who will be doing it... ME! It's not an absolute yet, but it looks like it's gonna happen. So I've been getting back to posting here more often, but it may go back down again as I'll probably be posting more regularly on the other blog. It's not set up yet though, so I can't link to it at this point, but it'll happen. And another cool thing, I've been e-mailing back and forth with BJ Galvan about the immersion in Quito, and as it turns out, we're on the same flight from Miami to Quito. Cool. So I'll get to introduce myself before the immersion even starts. Okay, have a good day everyone.

Preparation for Serendipity

2009-05-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

So I've had several things floating through my mind lately, all of them related. I guess we'll just start off with one.

So I recently was perusing the new Anusara website (you should check it out, it's new, beautiful, and improved). I saw that there was a magazine article with John Friend so I read it. I find it so interesting and amazing how much Shakti can come through anything from John, either a workshop, a DVD, a magazine article, or a book. But anyways, I was reading this article and it was of course exactly what I needed to read at the time. But at the end, he mentioned something about how when the numbers add up, things happen, we attract certain things, and something about the number 11:11. Naturally after reading an article that really resonated with me, I was interested in seeing what this 11:11 stuff is. So I googled it. And I've really heard a lot of it before, but didn't think much of it. It was nonetheless interesting, but it's not like I've spent much time looking at it beyond a Youtube video and a couple of google articles. Anyways, I wondered, "Hmm, they talk a lot about 11:11 and November 11th, so I wanted to see what was going on with me on November 11th of last year. I looked at my old calendar and was actually quite shocked.

November 11th was the Tuesday before the weekend that John Friend came into Austin to teach a workshop. And that Tuesday was specifically significant to me. On the early morning of Tuesday, November 11th, I remember being awake, looking at the clock, and seeing that it was 1:08 am. And I said to myself "Jeremiah, you have to do this now." And I did. I'm not going to go into what I did, it's not like it was crazy or anything. Rather, it was more what I decided in that moment, and the internal shift that immediately came after executing my decision. But, what happened in that moment has set off a CHAIN of significant events in my life that have not stopped coming. And shockingly enough, I also see how certain events led up to the event on that Tuesday. Then, John came into town, helped to shift my world, and things just haven't stopped.

Serendipity. Now, a lot of people see serendipity as happy unexpected circumstance. And that's a part of it, but though the results yielded may be happier, the process can be set upon any point of the spectrum of life, it can even be excruciating at times. I have experienced numerous instances of serendipity at various times and in varying amounts over the past 6 months or so; it can be quite shocking to the nervous system. Fortunately, I find this to be a great quote from Louis Pasteur, the French chemist and microbiologist known for his breakthroughs in the causes and prevention of disease: "In the fields of observation, chance favors only the prepared mind."

Something that I've felt for quite some time about the way I approach my life is that I don't hide. I don't hide from myself, I don't hide from others, and I don't hide from the difficulties that come my way. Or I guess I should say, I try not to hide from these things, but sometimes your reactions get the best of you before you can effectively make the decision to face things. And in general, I consider myself to be a pretty open book. I'm not one of those who wants my personal life to be private, for my actions to go unknown, or my thoughts to be unavailable to anyone. However, one of the things I've been thinking about recently is that it's not necessarily about me not being able to be me if I shut up. Rather, I have to gauge people first to see if they are capable of even handling it. I've found much more (especially recently) that a lot of people simply don't have a very high capacity. So not just coming out and saying anything and everything isn't so much a matter of me not being able to be myself, but rather, me deciding the best time to reveal things to people who have prepared minds. It's a part of teaching. You always have to challenge people, but at the same time, you can't blow them out of the water. That's not to say that I haven't made mistakes and overstepped boundaries before; sometimes my natural intensities can easily be too much for others, even for people that I like and think have the capacity.

So anyways, considering how these kinds of things have been readily open to fly straight at me as of late, I'm laying off the 108 kali mantras at dawn. But lately, I just can't stop listening to the song "Hospital Beds" by Cold War Kids. It just seems to be too significant.

Limón y Sal

2009-04-27T19:41:00.001-07:00

So I'm back on (somewhat). A strenuous semester leads to little blog posting. That being said, it's not as if I haven't had plenty of things I've wanted to post. So here's a few things:

-I'm starting a new weekly yoga class starting May 4th at Sundara Yoga from 5:30-6:45! The name of it is "Vigorous," which is cool because I can do lots of stuff with it. I'm excited to be a part of kind of new/re-newed kula.
-My birthday is tomorrow. YAY! 25. I'm thinking of playing a little hooky and going to yoga instead.
-I had a student come to my class today (she's been once or twice before) who apparently goes to Anusara classes a lot, but she was touching her inner thighs in a pose during class and I asked her if everything was okay. And she said "Yeah. This is actually the first time that I actually FEEL inner spiral! I never got it until now!" So THAT was an awesome birthday present for me.
-I'm going to be in Ecuador from May 18th through June 25th
-I'm taking a part 1 Anusara Immersion with BJ Galvan in Quito, Ecuador (a little repetitive, I know).
-My niece will be born soon after I get back from Ecuador
-I'll be moving in with my good friend Susan once I get home from seeing my new niece.

So exciting stuff coming up. But I also wanted to talk about something that I got a little insight to myself today. Obviously, my blog is named Lila. My favorite simple interpretation of it is "for the hell of it." But basically, the Divine decided to manifest itself into the relative world and Shakti for the reason of Lila. So for the sport of it, the divine play of it, the joyful embrace of it. AKA, for the hell of it. But what I was contemplating about it today, is that we just move forward. Even when we are scared, even when we don't know what we are doing, it is all a part of the process.

I've been having a certain personal situation in my life for the past few months that has been difficult. Not necessarily in a bad way, but I just don't know exactly what is going on. And that scares me. It scares me because I don't know if I should move forward, I don't know if I'm treading on welcome ground, I don't really even know the appropriate way to approach this situation. And every time I decide to drop it, a much more straightforward and welcoming presence (I'm not talking about some ghost or something, just an undeniable energy) comes. And every time I decide to move forward, it seems that a wall gets built that says "Though shall not pass." So it's been a back and forth. It's been a process of Lila. It reminds me of when a friend and student of mine recently spoke to me about how 2 sides of him seem completely oppositional, and he doesn't understand the relationship between them. I said that the heat that builds from bouncing back and forth will purify his understanding of this relationship.

But what I've felt today is that though this process has been hard for me, I really shouldn't take it as such. I really don't need to know for sure. Just like when I started teaching, I didn't need to know everything about teaching to do it. I just needed to start, I needed to back off of teaching (on many different levels) at times, but I always kept teaching at least a little. So with this personal situation, I find that I CAN'T know for sure, but that's okay. I just allow the back and forth to happen, the play to continue, and with time, the truth will be revealed. And I don't know if that truth will taste like lemon and salt, or sugary, or bitter. But they are all tastes we must experience. All I DO know for sure, is that the situation is significant. I just don't know the outcome. And really, I shouldn't know the outcome right now. I just need to participate in the play, and enjoy it- unattached to the outcome.

In the vein of Prop 8 - the Musical...

2009-04-23T08:51:00.000-07:00

A Gaythering Storm from Jane Lynch

Ecuador Here I Come!

2009-04-08T22:18:00.000-07:00

YAY!!! So I'm going to Ecuador this summer! It's past midnight right now, so I'm just going to post some stuff real quick. I am going to Ecuador to:

-Assist in teaching underprivileged children how to make short films for the non-profit group La Poderosa (The Powerful)
-To study Spanish in a Spanish speaking country by being around only Spanish speakers and UT Spanish professors
-To hang out on the beach
-Do a little traveling around Ecuador
-To spend a month in S. America
-Hopefully to teach yoga to my fellow Estadounidenses
-I'm also looking to see if I can attend BJ Galvan's part 1 immersion in Quito when I arrive there. I've e-mailed her already and so far things are looking awesome.
-Also, if I manage to learn Spanish well enough, I may be able to come back to Texas and test out of the rest of my Spanish requirements at UT.

So I'm totally stoked about this stuff. If I can just suffer through the rest of this grueling semester, I can make it onto a plan to Ecuador... hey Lisa M. , wanna come with? In case anyone is interested: www.lapoderosa.org

The Light and the Dark

2009-03-24T17:20:00.001-07:00

So I haven't posted in a few weeks. Today I was thinking about posting just a little update about some things that I've managed recently to do in my asana practice and the things I've been learning about yoga in general, as well as how school is going and how I am now feeling about it. I also got some news from my family today that I will get to, and I will just head into it all, starting with the asana as it is the easiest to start with.

On Sunday I went to Mandy's class which was totally awesome and I was quite excited. I managed (with help) to get into Urdhva Padmasana or Padmasana in Adho Mukha Vrksasana (Lotus in handstand). But then, I all of a sudden was able to balance in it on my own for much more time than I would have really expected to be possible. I even managed to balance for a bit with the crown of my head facing straight down. So that was pretty cool. And then I had a couple of breakthroughs on Monday morning with my practice. I wasn't even that warm and managed to lift up into handstand with 1/2 lotus, then went into Padmasana all by myself, without a partner, without a wall, totally niralamba. And I stayed there for at least 10 seconds. Then since, things were going so well, I tried to do a press handstand from Prasarita Padottanasana and guess what... I did. First try, without even very much inner spiraling warm up. So that was cool.

School has been quite difficult, but a couple of weeks ago I began to appreciate it more and see how the difficulties I'm having aren't absolutely ideal, but definitely useful. If nothing else, they have made me face my own reactions to stress and step back and begin choosing how I really wish to behave with myself when these things come to me. I'm definitely coming at this last half of the semester with a renewed sense of appreciation and "burning desire." But back to Sunday.

After Mandy's class, I stayed to attend Craig's lecture on Tantra yoga. It was quite enlightening for me and once again, with the awesomeness of Craig, I feel like my practice went to another level. Not specifically asana (although I think that it has energetically shifted that aspect of my yoga practice as well), but in my study and depth of understanding with living a life as a yogi. What I found to be really beautiful and interesting was his talk about the Dasha Mahavidyas (wisdom goddesses), specifically Kali. Though Kali is often seen as this terrible creature in pictures, understanding how those pictures are simply representations of much more simplistic (but also infinitely more complicated) metaphors makes things much easier to handle. It was amazing how Kali is really a goddess of the heart and time, and how she is a representative of the Parvitri (heart filter). It is through time, tapas, and emotions that we alchemically can cleanse the mirrors of our hearts to have a clearer view of the divinity and truth that is deeper than the parts of our personalities we generally identify with. After all, Kali is just the feminine counterpart of the Sanskrit term Kala (time).

Then today. I woke up surprisingly able to just get up and start moving. I accomplished a lot this morning and experienced a heat in my practice that doesn't usually manifest itself but it was just what I needed for my day, and I think energetically it became more useful than I realized it would be. My day went quite well, but my phone died and I didn't have the chance to charge it until late in the day. When I finally got it a little juiced up I had several messages from my mother. My great grandmother Jimmye Wallace died at 3 o'clock this morning in Temple, TX. I was surprised at how calm I am with the whole thing. We definitely all knew she wouldn't be around long. She was 98 years old. I mean really, she was older than Iyengar but still truckin'. But I'm glad that she had a long life and I know that it was full of love. She was absolutely a hearth mother. I remember staying at her house most Thanksgivings in Temple and how she would get up at 5am (or earlier) to start preparing the turkey (at this point she had to be at least 80 years old). I remember how she was always so strong, even when she would pull the chain on the ceiling fan we were always afraid she would rip the whole fixture out of the ceiling. She managed to somehow survive the deaths of some of her most beloved- her husband, her children...

I know that I will be fine. I'm not at all worried about me, I am much more worried about my family. I feel much more stable about this then I do generally, and it is amazing how sometimes death can bring more clarity than anything. But I also know that it can be much more immediate and difficult for other members of my family. So, if you feel comfortable with it, I request that anyone who wishes to, to say a pray, mantra, or whatever for my family. I will be doing the same for them.

But I find as I write this that I am actually quite happy. Happy to have a beautiful family, happy to know that my grandmother has gone to a better place, happy to know that I am in a much better situation than I often think, and happy to remember that I have a kula from which I have received so many lessons, joys, and love, just as my grandmother received just as much from caring her family.

Waiting to get it.

2009-03-04T16:15:00.000-08:00

Many of the people reading this blog will know (as if I haven't posted enough about it) about my Pascimottanasana "demo" (or should we say lesson) last November in Austin with John Friend. It was weird how I had been taught to do the same things over and over and over again, but I didn't quite even realize that I wasn't doing it until I had to sit in the most gruelling pose for me in front of 100+ people after John asked "Who's your teacher?" And I had to call out Christina. But for some reason, despite everything I had been taught, I didn't get it until then. I just hadn't really felt it yet, and I sure as hell didn't like it (I appreciate it very much and it is useful, but I still don't like it-damn organic energy...).

So today, after ANOTHER hard day of school and crying and constantly feeling collapsed with nothing else to give, I was listening to a Björk album that I've listened to dozens and dozens of times. I have heard the lyrics to the song All Neon Like tons of times and read them and listened to them over and over, but they didn't really mean anything to me until today. It's funny. It's rare that a Björk song doesn't almost immediately (or soon after) resonate with me, but this one has been an exception. It made sense today on many levels, so I figured I'd post it:

All Neon Like

Not till you halo all over me
I'll come over
not till it shimmers 'round your skull
I'll be yours

I weave for you
the marvellous web
glow in the dark threads
all neon like

The cocoon surrounds you
embraces all
so you can sleep
foetus-style

And they will assist us
'cause we're asking for help
and the luminous beam - it feeds you!

The soft distortion
fills you up
nourish nourish
your turtleheart

And they will assist us
'cause we're asking for help
and the luminous beam - it feeds you!

Don't get angry with yourself
Don't, don't get angry with yourself
I'll heal you

With a razorblade
I'll cut a slit open
and the luminous beam feeds you, honey!

And here's a great live version that you can also watch in High Quality.

Pretty damn awesome

2009-02-26T15:13:00.000-08:00

A new 'Tude of Gratefulness, aka Gratitude

2009-02-25T17:30:00.000-08:00

So I just got home from having a couple of much needed cocktails and fried pickles with an old friend of mine named Roxie. We both went to the same Junior College together, and both of us are RTF majors at UT (she, a double major in Spanish). So as we were sitting there talking, I went on about my current difficulties and she went on about her current difficulties. One of the things that causes Roxie and I to have a rocky relationships at times is the fact that she is almost totally pitta. Let's say Pitta with a capital P. Match that with my Vata and Pitta and a raging inferno sometimes ensues. However, today was VERY nice and clarifying for me.

She reminded me that whatever difficulties I may be having right now with what I want to do and where I want to go and which path to take, that I am one of the privileged. She said "Do you have any idea how many people wish they could have made it into UT in the first place? Do you know how many people wish they were in the Radio/Television/Film department at UT? Do you have any idea how much people have had to struggle to get into the department at all?" I guess I haven't thought about that in awhile. Especially since all I did was apply. Most people have to get accepted to UT first, then prove themselves through a number of different paths to get into the Communication school, much less to get into the RTF department. I didn't have any difficulty getting in. I basically asked, and then I received. I didn't have to beg, prove myself, do a song and dance, or even do anything related to R, T, or F within the previous 2 years, but I got accepted directly into the program. And since I've been here all I've done is bitch about it, especially this semester. It's funny, cuz right after I talked to Roxie, I got home and saw this link from Genevieve on Facebook:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LoGYx35ypus

So it was QUITE nice to get a dose of Roxie Pitta today. In fact, there was a shift in perspective that I've felt throughout the day in a few ways that I haven't felt in a long time. A certain pitta focus that I don't remember feeling since I was getting my theatre degree. After getting up and running around like crazy to get film for a project, remembering to eat, taking a Spanish test (which I may have failed, but I probably just got a crappy C or something) taking shots for my Image and Sound project (thank you Mandy for being my drug bunny - know this was her character for the project, that's all), I started to feel the way I often did after a day of school at Del Mar. Then after talking to Roxie, things seem to be in a better perspective for me. I may be dealing with some problems, but I am damn lucky and I haven't even had to try hard to get where I am. So I damn well need to bust my ass now and be happy doing it. After all, is the goal not to delight in one's own consciousness? CHIT ANANDA!!! CHIT ANANDA!!! CHIT ANANDA!!!

Too cute not to post.

2009-02-24T21:16:00.001-08:00

Something's Gotta Give

2009-02-15T20:13:00.001-08:00

I'm tired. This is definitely a hard semester and I think UT needs to turn a course in which you spend more than 5 hours a week in classtime to a 5 credit hour course instead of a 3 hour course. That is the truth for 2 of my classes, and I'm not just saying that "just because," but really, I have to spend WAY more than 10 hours a week getting stuff done or studied for those classes, when according to the old saying "for every hour of credit a course is worth, you should spend 2 hours outside of class studying." But I'm am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. I am crying WAY to much and WAY too often given the amount of shit I have to do. So something's gotta give.

I looked at my schedule, and as far as school goes, I can't drop anything. There are a number of reasons that I'm not here to explain at the moment, but I am not dropping any school. Then I looked at how many yoga classes I'm teaching, and I realized that I'm teaching 8 weekly classes!!! How the hell did that happen? My plan was only to teach 4 classes a week max, when did I decide to do more? But I realized that for some reason when I say "Sure I'll teach that" I don't realize that I'm putting more on my plate. And judging by my last summer freakout from overload, I should let something go. So I'm not sure what yet...

But anyways, I guess the main point I have here is... oh I don't even know. I'm going to bed. How did/do you do it Anne? And I'm only an undergrad...

The Heaviness

2009-02-11T16:58:00.000-08:00

So I haven't posted in awhile because I've been very busy since school started. We totally hit the ground running. But I wanted to say something.

I LOVE learning. I love expanding my mind and knowing more and it's almost an addiction. I can't go for very long without being curious about what else is out there. In fact, being in Austin for 2 and a half years is becoming a long time for me. So being at school is fabulous in that I learn more and more and it has all been extremely relevant to me in a mental, emotional, intuitive, and progressive way. HOWEVER, I can't stand the way my body and my head feels when I have to learn so much by reading. I love reading, don't get me wrong, but I feel like my whole body is becoming a dying plant. I can almost see my skin turning putrid as my insides rot and my skin collapses over my structure. And one of the weirdest things is how my brain gets cloudier. Even though I am absorbing more information, I start to feel like I'm getting heavy on the inside. My brain (though absorbing info) feels like it's slowing down as my body is getting more and more sedentary. And I certainly can't practice as much with the amount of studying I have to do.

I've learned how to keep studying and not fall asleep, but the heaviness that results is so kaphic that I can't stand it! I feel like I'm getting lazy and I don't like it. And then it just gets harder to want or enjoy practicing yoga. And I can hardly work on any spiral stuff because my core/abs don't have the strength to support the other side of my spine, so then my lower back automatically feels like shize. So finding the balance has been extremely difficult. And I certainly don't see how any of my classmates have social lives outside of school. Anytime I do go out, I'm paranoid that I won't have time to finish my work, but while I'm working I feel like my life is collapsing around me. Strangeness...

Like most things, this will probably just take time to sort out.

Pascimottanasana and Reception of Grace

2009-01-17T13:40:00.001-08:00

So this morning I taught my Hatha class at YY South and we worked to open the shoulders for shoulder stand but began mostly by warming up the body and opening the hips before doing some cooling poses to bring down the energy in preparation for Sarvangasana. Then I went to Anne's class which I have been so greatful that it is placed directly after mine. It was awesome and we worked on "baby backbends" that was great for me. Since I have been working a lot on forward folds, I don't do a lot of backbends anymore so getting the chance to work on smaller backbends that help build strength and stabilize the lower back are great to give me a kind of spring board into lengthening my lower back muscles. Thanks Anne!

What's even better is I ran a few errands and went home and practiced just a little more, doing some forward folds. To warm up I started doing Viparita Chakrasana preps by going from Down dog, hopping to handstand, and bringing my feet to the wall several feet away, and kicking back to handstand, then to AMS again. So it's not like I went into full Urdhva Dhanurasana, but I was inspired by Christina's mentioning of Darren prepping for the backward motion of Viparita Chakrasana by flip-flopping to warm up. Anyways, after that, I did a couple of standing poses to open my hamstrings back up and found out, "Wow, I can now go from Handstand and lower slowly with my legs straight THE WHOLE TIME into Uttanasana!!!" So that was really cool. Going from Uttanasana to Handstand is another story, but I'll get there eventually.

So then I went down and got some succes in Triang Mukhaika Pada Pascimottanasana and Pascimottanasana. While doing these poses I noticed several things. My body reacts to these poses like it does when I've just finished crying. Even if my mind and emotions don't always react in that manner, my breathing coming out of them is like when I just finished crying and their small, almost hyperventilating heaves. My body also feels very heavy, but open and receptive. I began to think about Reception of Grace.

Looking back at it, there's nothing that Christina didn't teach me to improve my forward folds. She taught Shins-in-Thighs-out, inner spiral, thigh loop, muscle energy, sacrum in, everything. But I guess I just wasn't ready to hear it all. I didn't even realize it, but if it was difficult for me or I didn't like it, I would just be averse to it and literally shut it out of my head. I would do all the inner spiral I needed for backbends, but anything else was obsolete to me. I basically chose not to accept these Graceful teachings, intentionally or unintentionally. But as many of you know, that changed when John was here in November. I'd never been that far in Pascimottanasana, and it really opened a lot of floodgates internally and physiologically with me. And I think a big part of it was that John was supportive and sensitive when working with me, but he also wouldn't let me back down from myself. He "made" me stay there and work through the shit I was going through, whether I understood it or not. And now, even as I do forward folds, my emotions don't run quite as rampant, but it's interesting that my body and my mental state still go through the same basic things...

So my general point is, quite literally, Open to Grace. Just as I felt about forward folds, I think Open to Grace is the most difficult, but wonderful of the Anusara Principles. But now, I really do believe that you cannot always just Open to Grace like you can speak a word from your mouth. You need:

1. Self-Confidence
2. Support
3. Love
4. A little push from your friends

So even if we are not working to attain Grace, we do have a process in which to Open to Grace. That, however, I'm sure will be different for everyone in the same way that we all have a different name for God.

Disclaimer:These were not all one pose because I have not yet mastered going slow enough to allow for the photograher to take several pics in a row. But you get the jist of it. And I know the poses could use some improvements so I'm not claiming them to be the end all be all, they're just good for where I am right now. Also, I didn't realize I was so damn skinny...

Wacky Wednesday

2009-01-14T15:15:00.000-08:00

So today, I talk to my dad about buying a laptop for school. So to put a little more research into pricing in general, I go online and then head out to check several stores around town for student discounted MacBookPro prices. On my way, I hear these weird noises from my car that kept making different sounds, then stopping, then starting up with another sound, then stopping. Eventually I heard some loud squealing, a thump, and then it was gone. I tried to hope that whatever was going wrong under my hood had magically fixed itself until I saw the battery light turn on. Apparently one of my belts decided that it no longer loved me or the piece of shit car that it lives in and decided to up and abandon us both... on the road.

So I pulled over into a Home Depot on Mopac to find, oh, I left my cell phone at home on the charger. So after borrowing some sweet passionate woman's cell phone, using Office Max's phone repeatedly, and getting my car towed, $300 on credit later I am at home typing away on my old computer (not the new one) with everything fixed. And I had so many plans to get lottsa shit done today. Good news is, I was pretty much forced to sit back for awhile and contemplate some important things about life.

1. How I want to really view this car situation that I am currently in
2. How I am very glad that I had the time to finish a book that I left in the car
3. How I got the perfect opportunity to NOT put off writing up a budget that I MUST adhere to

So despite original panic and frustration, I've decided to memorize a few dependable friend's numbers, my family's cell numbers, and I actually feel okay right now. Things will be fine, just don't automatically freak out about them as you normally would. Have some Shraddha.

Back in town

2009-01-13T10:08:00.000-08:00

So Indiana was interesting. First of all, the only grocery store in the area is Wal-Mart and the only restaurants are McDonalds, Burger King, and Taco Bell. So that was horrible, especially after getting food poisoning at a horrible buffet in a casino (BTW gambling is not only expensive, but not even fun, so like cocaine, only try it once and then walk away). One of the most interesting things though, was that I had 3 days of diarrhea after throwing up that food. I guess the diarrhea isn't that interesting, but I actually felt quite cleansed afterwards. This mental clarity came over me that was very useful, especially in viewing my family.

I saw so many of the habits of generations of my family that are unhealthy and have gone completely unquestioned and unbroken. From co-dependency issues to complete unnacceptance of change (you know, that thing that is the very NATURE of the Universe) to bad eating habits. That being said, my reactions to all of this were a lot more subdued than I would have expected. I was generally unreactive and understood that there wasn't anything I could do to make them think of other possibilities as well. However, the visting with family was the best part. It was good to see these people (and we also visited some Amish people and I LOVED the Amish) and relate to them as only family can. So overall, it was actually a great trip and a terrific learning experience, despite the digestive unpleasantries and the cold. However, I have pretty much vowed never to go back. Really just because I do not wish to treat my body in that manner again. If there was even a possibility of healthy food within 100 miles, I might reconsider, but at this point, no. But lemme tell ya, if you every need to feel grateful for you life, go to rural southern Indiana. Austin Texas is an absolute gem.

New Year's Resolutions?

2009-01-02T07:53:00.000-08:00

At the tail end of last year (aka 2 days ago), I was curious what people's New Year's Resolutions were. So I asked around a lot, and I was shocked to find that not only did very few people have one, but there were even more people who DID NOT make resolutions as a principle. It's not like I have a problem with that or anything, but I was consistently shocked. I have no idea why someone would be opposed to the idea of a New Year's Resolution. I understand "I haven't thought about it" and "I just haven't made one" and "I'm not sure yet" and "Oh, I just don't care," but I simply don't understand why a New Year's Resolution would be a bad thing. So I have a request out for everyone to do something simple for me. Either comment here and tell me what your New Year's Resolution is, or tell me why you think some people (or maybe yourself) are principally opposed to Resolutions. I'm just curious, so if you have an idea why that would be the case or know someone who has explained that to you, or have specific reasons why you don't make them, please let me know.

On another note, I'm flying out to Indiana tomorrow at the buttcrack of dawn, actually earlier than the buttcrack. Good news, I love airports. I love sitting there amidst lots of generally normal people running around a big box. Just observing in an airport always makes me feel like a much more sane person than I usually am. And, I find I can actually journal when I'm travelling so that's good news. The bad news is, I am NOT looking forward to being in Indiana, but my Mom guilt tripped me into going (I realize I will get a talking to after posting this). Main reason, I abhor the cold. It makes me shrink in and not wanna move and I find it very depressing in general. I get cold quite easily and if any part of my body is exposed to cold air, I will be unhappy. Even if I have full gloves and 5 layers of clothing, but my nose is exposed, my entire body will be chilled. I think it's my Vata, and the fact that my average body temperature is 96.8 instead of 98.6. Anyways, past that, I'll probably be sitting on a farm in the middle of nowhere the majority of the time too, and I only prefer time outside the city in small doses of hiking and outdoor fun. And my grandparents don't have a computer. Jen, I will be feeling your pain from your trips to Georgia. Okay, that's a long enough side note.

Movies in Review!

2008-12-29T07:53:00.000-08:00

So since I've had a lot of time off recently and love movies, I thought I'd put down a review of some that I have seen. Here we go...

The Fall
Great movie. The team of my favorite costume designer Eiko Ishioka (Madame Butterfly on Broadway, Bram Stroker's Dracula, Bjork's 'Cocoon' music video) and Indian director Tarsem Singh (The Cell)come together again for a bundle of awesomeness that is easily better than The Cell. The story is of a little girl and a young man who, both by falling, end up in a hospital. The girl befriends the man as he tells her fantastical stories of exotic locations and heroes, and you eventually see how his story relates to the harsh reality in which they live. I don't like to spoil movies, so I'm giving up nothing else except that the beginning credits sports one of my favorite opera songs Figlio Perduto (Lost Son) so I was pretty much hooked quickly. If you like fantasy, drama, or a fusion of the two without JLo annoyingly starring in the film, this one will be a must-see. See the trailer here.

The Tale of Depereaux
Simply and unfortunately put, it's just bad. One of those movies where the only good parts are in the previews. The plotline is haphazard with way too many sub-stories that simply don't mesh. And you think you're going to see a cute kids movie in the line of Ratatouille only to find that the only thing in common is an emphasis on food. Not really even worth renting despite its all-star cast.

The Day the Earth Stood Still
Good news. You probably looked at this movie and thought "Hmmm... either pretty good, or simply horrible." Well it's actually pretty good. And since Keanu Reeves doesn't have to act like a normal half-intelligent person but rather just a hot alien, it works out well. It doesn't have all the pathetic violence as in Independence Day, but rather a more piquing explanation of alien takeover. Clichet? Yes. But a well done clichet in my opinion (which is saying a lot since I generally hate clichets). If your friend wants to drag you to this movie, don't worry, you won't be grumbling the whole time.

Twilight
Don't see it if you haven't read the books. Coming from a basic vampire movie perspective, it sucks. Coming from a reader with an interest in relationship writing with a bloodsucking twist, not so bad. I think we all know the basic plot by now, so I won't explain it, but in fact, I was a little shocked that the movie didn't annoy me. I have read all of Stephanie Meyer's books as any addiction-prone person should. The important thing here is the relationship between a smitten boy and girl and the impossibility of their relationship due to one being a certain sort of cannibal. Though the romance does get a little upchucky at times, director Catherine Hardwick (mostly known for her production design of movies such as Three Kings, Vanilla Sky, and Laurel Canyon) does an impressive job of taking such shtick and making it viewable, ESPECIALLY so you can see the confusion and infatuation of adolescent love (or more appropriately, luv?) But if for no other reason, see it because EVERYONE IS HOTTT!!! How can anyone pass up a family of rainbow-sparkling-skinned vampires? I invite ANYONE in the Cullen family to suck my neck any day of the week.

Bolt
Mediocre. It's got funny parts and touching parts and a cute plot, but there's no major saving grace to this one. Good to use as the all-American babysitter once on DVD, but it can wait. Gotta love the hamster in his ball though...

Australia
Pretty good, but if you're not a Baz Luhrman fan (Strictly Ballroom, Romeo and Juliet, Moulin Rouge), you'll probably hate it. Being a huge Baz Luhrman fan myself, I like it. Loved it... I dunno. I'm not generally a romance buff, but I thought this one was pretty decent. Not by any means an unusual plot from the likes of Luhrman and not his strongest film, but as you may know by now, his strength is not in the story as much as his depictions of it. He once again intertwines music into the film expertly in an imaginitive and auteuristic manner as amazingly as he always manages to do. It was, however, Luhrman reaching out to expand his horizons- it struck me as Luhrman's take on a Western. If you are a Luhrman cult fan, you've already seen it in the theatre. If you're so-so about him, wait till the DVD. Oh, and if you have an infatuation with The Wizard of Oz, you'll go for this one.

Milk
Terrific movie from Gus Van Sant if you like the whole gay thing. Gays and their best hags will be smitten with the film, but I imagine most people without strong pro-gay beliefs will probably appreciate the film for what it is- it certainly won't be a waste of 8 bucks. It's the story of Harvey Milk, the US's first openly gay person elected to major office from the famous Castro distric of San Francisco (if you're wondering where the huge rainbow flag outside my bedroom door came from...Castro). This movie chronicles his life working into office (where his campaign strategies bring up the age old question: Which came first, the homo or the flame?), the struggle for the first gay rights in America (despite the efforts of people like Anita Butthole, I MEAN ANITA BRYANT!), and his eventual assasination by then San Francisco Supervisor Dan White (played by Josh Brolin, star of the recent film 'W'). It has a terrific cast including Sean Penn, James Franco, Emile Hirsch, Alison Pill, and many others, and there has already been much Oscar buzz about Penn's performance (although I thought he brought a little too much I Am Sam into the role). I was delighted to find everyone in the theatre clapping as the credits came up, BUT James Franco in his seventies porn-mustache swimming naked in broad daylight and making out with men... *sigh* ... it doesn't get much better than that.

As far as what's coming up, if you are a vampire fan like myself, this trailer may interest you. Haven't seen it yet, but I am looking forward to it, despite it being a prequel to a sequel: Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

New and Improved!

2008-12-28T13:30:00.000-08:00

So I added a few things to my blog, more links, an expanded description, and updated teaching schedule etc. I don't really want to change the layout cuz I like the colors and pictures. Looking forward to more blogging experiences as the new year starts, and if things work out well and I get that new MacBookPro for school, I will have more ready access and opportunity to blog about random awesomeness. Stay tuned.

Blurbitty blurb blurby

2008-12-13T16:35:00.000-08:00

I feel like I should write something today. I think its quite funny how you think you know how to live your life until you REALLY start practicing yoga. I began practicing about 5 years ago, but did not REALLY start practicing until a little over two years ago. What I mean about "really" is not practicing harder poses, or forcing yourself into class, but by making some sort of commitment to the practice that causes a shift inside. Since then, I often wonder if this is what riding the waves of Grace is. Simultaneously, I now feel in absolute control of my life and I also feel like I have absolutely no control whatsoever. It makes me wonder if that is truly what Svatantrya is. According to Wikipedia -

"Svātantrya (from the Sanskrit 'sva' meaning 'self' and 'tantram' meaning 'dependence' [1] - 'self-dependency', or 'free will') is the Kashmiri Shaivite concept of divine sovereignty."

So even looking at this definition, it seems confusing. It first defines it as self-dependency or free-will, but then seems to contradict itself by calling that divine sovereignty. I imagine, however, that when they say "self" that they meant to put "Self." Either way, I often see that as the state in which I generally exist. I'm certainly not saying "Look at me, I'm totally FREE!! HA!", but rather, I find this state generally terrifying. Unlike most people I know, I don't really have any specific relationships to tie me down to anything. I don't have a partner, children, or really ANY obligations. Going back to school was purely my choice, not an obligation I had. Teaching and practicing yoga was my choice, no one pushed me into it, and I could have gotten any job for financial support. I could pack my stuff up tomorrow and move to Australia on a whim and would have no obligations except getting my classes subbed till the end of the year. And knowing that everything in my life is "my" choice, I feel like I have very little direction. And on top of that, I know that much of my life I have spent seperating myself from the things that tie me down. I don't want to be financially dependent upon my parents, I don't want a relationship that will keep me from making whatever choices I wish, I don't even like having a "normal" jobs because that would be so limiting.

Now that I think about it, when I went to Craig Williams several months back to get my Vedic chart done, he said a number of things, but one of the things he kept repeating was "You have to choose" and "It's your choice." Now, maybe he was saying that because he saw something related to that in the chart, or maybe he just said it because I was asking stupid questions, I dunno. Either way, freedom and choice are such difficult concepts to grapple with in my opinion. Looking back at this subject, I see how much I've thought about choice and freedom already without yet coming to this point (you know, where I actually realize that this is what I'm talking about). Like this post, I had a nightmare that my friend Ron kinda translated, which makes a lot more sense to me now, especially looking back. And there seems to be a lotta vata associated with freedom and choice.

And something that seems to contradict my feeling that I need some anchor is that I recently decided that I needed to stop limiting myself. Sometimes I find myself saying "I believe this!" and I look back at that just a little later and think "Well, I don't necessarily believe this, because this opposing side is true too." And on top of that, I find that I don't have a whole lot of specific beliefs about things. Especially since things change. They just fucking change. How can I sit here and staunchly say "I believe this!" when I know that may change in a matter of hours when I sit back and think about it? Or maybe the economy will get better and then my beliefs about that will change. So I feel that by limiting myself less, I am doing the right thing, but then I have even less anchoring to keep me routed in reality. But I guess reality is relative, isn't it?

Prop 8 - The Musical

2008-12-03T13:09:00.000-08:00

Absolutely HILARIOUS!!! (and with many famous actors, try to pick them all out)

See more Jack Black videos at Funny or Die

Another cool one.

2008-11-21T07:44:00.001-08:00

A variation of Eka Pada Sirsasana.

A Little More Awesomeness

2008-11-19T18:38:00.000-08:00

The Beautiful and Talented Christina Sell

Dropping back to Urdhva Dhanurasana (Upward Bow) from Tadasana (Mountain or Standing)

Urdhva Dhanurasana

Hopping from Urdhva Dhanurasana up to Adho Mukha Vrksasana (Downward Facing Tree or Handstand)

Adho Mukha Vrksasana, half-way through the series

From Adho Mukha Vrksasana toward Urdhva Dhanurasana

Now again in Urhdva Dhanurasana

Here's Christina, back to standing after Viparita Chakrasana (Reverse Wheel)

And just 5 days before, this amazing woman had "an ovarian cyst that burst along with gastroenteritis which led to a bladder inflammation which shut that down and created all the pain and vomiting and so forth." Now that's some inspiring Chutzpah!

And I'm making it an early New Year's Resolution that by December 31st of next year, I will be capable of effectively executing every pose on the Level 1 Anusara Syllabus. Watch out Pascimottanasana, I'm kicking your ass!!!

Awesome pics from Juan Amigo workshop

2008-11-19T18:20:00.000-08:00

Inner Beauty

Inner Body Bright

Arm Bones Back

Shoulder Loop

Bending Back

Organic Energy Coming Up

It was Mark's 26th B-Day so we sang Happy Birthday to him as he was up here.

Now since blogger is weird about how to put pictures up, I'll have to see if I can play with it to put the correct order of pics up with Christina doing Viparita Chakrasana, when 4 days before, she was pretty much bedridden.

John Friend Workshop

2008-11-15T15:03:00.000-08:00

So if you were at the workshop, you saw the demo (if you can call it that). As of today, there have been three times where I have had a significant crying reaction (not necessarily full-blown, but significant) in yoga, and they have all been in forward folds.

1. Uttanasana in one of my first yoga classes at Del Mar College, where my hamstrings first began to find some sort of length.

2. Supta Padangusthasana II with my top leg on a chair in a Gentle class with my beloved JMo. She was trying to get me to integrate between effort and surrender, and when I finally got a middleground between the two, shit came up. Thank GOD I was the only person in that class because I balled.

3. Pascimottanasana about 2 hours ago in John's workshop with 200 eyes on me.

So definitely interesting to me were the combination of actions he gave me. Basically, tone the outter shin, inner spiral the upper inner thighs and broaden, root the femur bone down (and I realized at this point, the entire femur bone, not just the top of it) and extend through my toenails. There were other little aspects I was given, but I'm not about to go into them here and now. Anyways, one of the other things that I found interesting was the adjustment he gave me. I've given myself the same adjustment a million times, I've had numerous people including highly trained, way-highly reputable Anusara teachers give me that adjustment, but it definitely felt different when John did it. It was softer somehow, but seemed to get the job done better.

Now, the craziest thing is my reaction to some of John's words. I'm actually quite shocked at how much harder it is to get called out nicely for being sensitive than it is to get called out strongly, pointedly, or obviously for an alignment issue. I guess I shouldn't actually use "called out." That may not be the appropriate word. But when John started complimenting me and talking about me and talking about general issues that were also very much my own, it got hard to be there. Especially when seriously, 100 people have all gathered around you to watch. And I start working in the pose, trying to do all the actions, playing my edge, and of course, having those emotional reactions that come in this territory, and feeling completely vulnerable sitting there. I would have preferred to be standing there naked than being in the position I was in. So basically, it was hard.

And then we move on to other hip openers and he starts talking about not being blindly devoted, and how we should always question everything. Which is another thing I've been thinking about lately and even Thurs. I talked about that and many other things with my friend, let's call her Rene (who's had similar emotional reactions in Urdhva Dhanurasana and Anusara yoga, which is basically why she says "I'm done with it."). Because I really feel like I just want something to be wholly devoted to. I really don't even care if its a person or a moral or a type of yoga. I just want something to fight for. Haven't you ever seen or felt things that you knew were bigger than you? And Rene told me that I should devote myself to myself above anything/one else. And I guess that is the way we "should" conduct our lives. But in all honesty it doesn't make sense to me. Why would I devote all of my actions for myself when there are greater things and better people that could use my abilities? Okay, now I just realized this is starting to sound a little psycho, but honestly, that's how I feel.

Oh, and another thing that I found interesting was how John was talking about the song he thought about and he hadn't heard it in awhile and then he heard it several times serendipitously. As we began to lie down for Savasana, I just got the Beatles song in my head "Let it Be." You know, "Let it be, let it be. Let it be, let it be. Wisper words of wisdom, let it be." And after I repeated the lyrics in my head a few times, John began to say, of course, "Let it be, just let it be." Oh, and I just checked my e-mail, and the Daily Om I recieved was titled "Loyalty and Devotion."

So anyways, out for Margaritas to prepare for round two tomorrow. *DING*

I'M GONNA BE AN UNCLE!!!

2008-10-30T17:48:00.001-07:00

My Mom just called me and my sister's pregnant!!! She's been trying for a couple of years and got pregnant while on vacation in California! I'm so excited! Now I can be Big Gay Uncle J!!!

More on Failure

2008-10-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

So interestingly enough, in class on Monday night I had a student (usually either her or her twin sister comes but never both, so I never know who is who) who is writing her Masters/Doctorate Thesis on... guess what? Failure. So even though I've still got failure on the mind, this was a good springboard to actually talk about it again. I've definitely felt like I've been failing a lot more than usual lately: failing to open my hamstrings, failing to host my Halloween party (FYI if you planned on coming, it's cancelled) failing to get quite the grade I wanted in Intro to Media class, failing to call my mother enough, failing to help my mom when she calls me crying because once again, my sister has been a complete bitch (although I think my mom was just more sensitive this day because it wasn't anything she hasn't gotten before). I've been failing on a number of other topics as well, but I think a big part of that has to do with the fact that I seem to be looking at things specifically in terms of failure.

However, though I'm consistently failing at so much, I don't feel bad about it. It's not pulling me down (not the failing aspect at least). I've noticed that I'm getting better at some things, and failing more readily at others. I guess it's just when you begin to put more things on your plate, that some things are gonna slip off the edges. However, what I DO NOT LIKE about this is when my failure affects the abilities or paths of other people. Perfect example, my yoga classes. I've felt lately that what I've been teaching is simply not up to par, at least compared to what I've taught before. Opportunity for me to learn? Yes. However, how much is my opportunity getting in the way of my students' progress. I guess I'll never know. I'm thinking that I might start (at least in my advanced class) to go back to much more basic postures and work them there, probably spending extra time in them. I'm also thinking that I need to make the themes stronger too, not preachier, but work on my development of them.

But back to failure, I guess maybe failure is only failure when you don't notice it. People can go through their entire lives failing at something but won't know it until they see that it has been failure. So failure, when noticed as such, is a good thing and thus a learning opportunity. That seems to also negate the way I often see things as pass/fail. There's been plenty of times that I have gotten an A in school but was a 90 or so and I felt like I failed, that I didn't do well enough. I failed the test in my own mind, I don't give a shit that that red pen says an A. So failure is the willingness to exist as neither right or wrong, but in the middle. Failure as a good thing is recognizing that you are living not in the trenches, but in "no-man's land." Funny enough, I do seem to still be alive.

I also wanted to share a quote within a quote that I found while reading for my Development of the Motion Picture class. It's also relevant to a former post in which I mentioned that yoga lineages are similar to religions. This is a quote from Film History: An Introduction by Thompson and Bordwell. It is regarding the movie "Rules of the Game" by Jean Renoir, the son of famous French Impressionist painter Pierre-August Renoir:

"Despite the characters' foolish actions, no one becomes a villian. As one of them remarks, 'In this world, the scary thing is that everyone has his reasons.' This line has often been taken as emblematic of Renoir's cinema, where there are seldom villains- only fallible people reacting to one another."

Lately

2008-10-22T10:26:00.000-07:00

So I've had a lot of things going on in general lately. First of all, this weekend, some of my friends convinced me to go out so I did, only to see the guy that I wished I would never see again. Why is it that I see him (twice now in the same place) after years when I moved to a different city? So that brought up plenty of shize and I decided to drink and smoke myself silly. However, I did meet a guy named Thor that night who I've been seeing which has been great (and yes, I was in my right mind at the time), and spending time with him has been really nice.

However, the morning after going out, I ended up sick as a dog and puking my guts out. When I started puking blood I thought to myself "Wow, is this really necessary?" So I've got this whole thought process of necessity and right/wrong flowing through my head right now. Is it really necessary to "compliment" my emotional state with alcohol? Did it really help me with what I was feeling? What else am I doing in my life that is really unnecessary and not life affirming? So I am currently on hiatus with drinking/smoking.

As far as my asana practice goes, I got to a point a few weeks ago where trying different things out with my hamstrings began to yield shocking results for me. At that point I realized, that if I wanted to, I could do any pose in Light on Yoga and the 3 Anusara Syllabi. At that point, I stopped caring about asana. My practice has gone way down and I'm really only using it as a way to realign my body when something is achy (lower back getting a little tight, arms getting a little too weak, femur bone moving too far forward, my digestion's off, whatever). Now that I know that I am capable of it in my mind, I really don't care anymore. Once the truest part of the challenge is over, it bores me. I'm certainly not saying that people should stop practicing and improving, but I am another another sort of hiatus here too. (Although Halloween is coming up and I have a sexy costume planned, and John Friend is coming to town, so I definitely will re-jump start my practice soon and get it back up to par starting later this week. I haven't completely dropped off the asana train)

Another weird note, I went to the doctor today just for a few questions I have about a sorta condition that I've always had. The doctor was actually quite shocked and said he needed to make a phone call. When he came back, he referred me to a doctor that would have more experience and spoke to me about how this new doctor would be interested in almost using me in a case study sorta thing and bringing in a lot of doctors because of the "extreme situation" that I am. Now don't worry, I certainly don't have any crazy life threatening disease or anything, I am nowhere near dying or even sickness for that matter. If anything, I kinda see this whole situation as an extension of my personality which is a whole other huge thing. In fact, today, with all the interesting things that have come up for me lately and a certain odd clarity that seems to be forming, I'm thinking about writing some kind of essay that covers all this. But, it's certainly not something that I will talk further about now, and it will probably be quite some time before I really come out and clear with this stuff, I need to soak in the mystery myself first.

Failure

2008-10-14T21:16:00.000-07:00

I feel like I should post something today, so I am. I'm not sure what to say, but what I really should be doing is writing my paper from the RTF flow conference I went to this past weekend. Actually, maybe I can write about that here and now because the session that I was interested in and went to was on Failure. And since that has been on my mind for awhile (failure, success, right, wrong, yes, no) and I think it's been on a few others, I'll go with that. So the premise of the session was:

"Failure defines television. Most programs, TV workers, and policy goals fail. Yet, we don't study failure; we study success. Because we look at stars, successful programming, powerful executives, or the ruling ideas in broadcasting, success has become concomitant to cultural importance. Failure seems culturally irrelevant. What can we learn from failure? How is failure naturalized in programming, employment, and policy initiatives? What of reality TV's losers, celebrity meltdowns, and beloved shows that get cancelled? Is failure part of "successful" programming?"

I was however slightly disappointed but now slightly intrigued by the fact that I didn't think the session stayed well on the subject. There was basically one speaker whose main point was the failure of representation of Latino TV, one woman whose point was the failure of representation of African-Americans, and two women whose main point was the misrepresentation of women on television. So while I came in expecting to see what they had to say about the use of studying failure, why it is culturally irrelevant, what can we learn from it, etc., what I got was more general discussion of the failure of TV society and business to accurately represent women, Latinos, and African-Americans. But one of the things that I do find interesting was how each presenter (and certainly some of the audience) had their own agenda with this subject that often displaced the subject at hand entirely.

Okay, now I just got drastically tired, so maybe I'll finish this post at another time, maybe not, either way, I guess I posted something.

More hamstring musings

2008-10-09T08:11:00.000-07:00

So interesting stuff coming up in general with the hamstring issue. I've been working more on straight up forward folds and obvious inner spiral poses as opposed to the big hip openers that I prefer. So I was practicing the other day and did a a lot of standing poses, a couple of arm balances, a couple backbends culminating in 3 Urdhva Ds, then forward fold after forward fold after forward fold and their variations.

So one thing that I noticed is that I've never been able to really work a forward fold unless someone is making me do it (telling me to). They immediately make me either bored or overly emotional. But this time, as long as I just did a few backbends to wake me up, I can actually sit and work on forward folds. So as I was "just sitting there" doing forward folds I started repeating important principles for each pose out loud, especially the ones I know I need to work on. So Parsva Upavista Konasana would go like this, repeatedly, for 1 minute or more: "Top of the thigh down, top of the knee down, shins in, thighs out, full inner spiral *groan*, scoop the tailbone, twist, fold." So the interesting thing that I found about this was that I do that in my head for most of my poses, just not my forward folds. I do it for arm balances, backbends (especially), hip openers, twists, everything. But not forward folds. So I think from now on, I really need to do a couple of medium backbends to get my head fired up before I work on forward folds so that I can keep attention.

However, one thing I started doing that seemed to also start working was to round my upper back. You often hear "keep you back straight as you fold forward," but doing that has always kept me working my upper back and never moving forward, I guess because it's easier for me to get the general shape of the pose by opening up top. Say in a pose like Pascimottanasana. This would be coming out of my mouth as I talk to myself: "Top of the thighs down, top of the knees down, drag your hands back (to take the flesh on the back of your thighs up toward the hips) and round your upper back, now, shins in, thighs out, full inner spiral *groan*, stick your butt out, take the top of your sacrum forward." And what I found interesting is if I kept working like that, by lower back would slowly open so that my entire back ended up straight! So then I would just extend organic energy from my hips up through my spine to keep space between the vertebrae, and start the pep-talk over again.

However, one weird thing I'm finding is that even though my hamstrings and inner thighs are kinda sore, I feel like my lower back is getting more unstable. I know that's not the case, but it still kinda freaks me out. I know that my lower back is strong, but just not necessarily flexible or supple. So now that it's getting slowly more supple, it honestly makes me feel that I could tumble over like a game of Jenga at any moment. I don't feel as physically stable, but I can tell and feel that I'm not stretching anything that I shouldn't be stretching. So it's weird. And often when I'm sitting I'll sit up straighter by doing a little shoulder loop. But now, I try sitting up with more inner spiral AND shoulder loop and THAT starts to crunch my lower-mid back. So I've realized how all my backbends I generally get from my upper back.

And this may be obvious to some, but I think this means that some people sit up straight by using their hips, and some people sit up straight by using their upper back. And what got me to work this way was me teaching a private to a guy with mid/upper back pain who was actually quite flexible in general. The only thing he didn't have was the inner spiral tilting of his lower back. Once we really started working with that, he wasn't getting the pain in his upper/mid back! Surprise? Yes and no. It doesn't surprise me that yoga works or that I would need him to work in a different place than where his pain is. However, just seeing the relationship that I haven't seen before is like a new lightbulb coming on, which is always a little surprising.

On another hamstring note, I taught a lot of hamstring openers in my Monday night advanced class, and said I know that I usually don't teach these because I hate them. So one student asked why and I gave a simple rundown of my hamstring issues, and that I usually either end up tearing them up when I try to work with them, or I just don't touch them. He said "You know that the hamstrings are really the muscles that relate to fight or flight." And that made a lot of sense for me personally. I'm generally an all or nothing person. If I can't do it now, I just won't do it ever; I like to go from one extreme to another. Living alone to living with 8 roommates is an example. And one thing about my hamstrings is that I think I'm just now getting to the point where I can actually do forward folds without dosing off, and I've worked through enough of the emotional crap that comes up with them that I can kind of hold my own while I do them. So I guess we'll see.

Importance of Right and Wrong

2008-10-02T12:39:00.000-07:00

So this is a kind of continuation of yesterday's post. I was discussing this with a few of my roommates last night in the backyard (of course, beforehand they had to get stoned and open a bottle of wine to prepare for a philosophical discussion). But basically, what's so great about being right about something? And what is it that actually makes us right?

Since the people who were talking to me yesterday kept asking me "What if you're wrong," it got me to thinking about, why is it so important to be right? Because honestly, I don't think that if I'm not right, that I will burn in eternal flames. So if anything, wouldn't it make sense that being wrong would be better off? Because then, you have so many more opportunities to learn.

A simple example was from my scuba diving lab last week. I had all my equipment, but as we were starting all my stuff was messed up. First of all, I somehow read small on my wetsuit when it was actually an XL (?), then as I was trying to figure out how to do what the TA was instructing, everything I had was wrong. A teacher had to come up, practically redo the organization of all of my equipment, so I could actually do something. Both of my regulators had purposefully been put through weird holes in the BC (buoyancy compensator), the strap on my BC was threaded all wrong so I couldn't strap on my tank, my tank's o-ring was missing, etc. So by the time my teacher and I were able to get everything together enough for me to learn something, everyone else was done and getting ready to get into the water. So I had to do the best I could to quickly get everything together, mostly learn by myself after everything I had was wrong, and join everyone else. But this past week, we were putting together all of our equipment for the first time alone, and everyone was fumbling around not knowing what to do. I just put my stuff together and was ready to go. If everything I had wouldn't have been wrong last time, I wouldn't have learned so well.

So simple example here, but really, what is so great about being right? I'm thinking it's just self-gratifying to be correct. But it also curves back to religious beliefs. If I'm wrong about things, at least in the long run I will have learned something that many people may not have learned. Though it could have been built in for them, at least I experienced the Lila of learning. At least I can burn in hell for the Lila of it. HA!

And recently, a fellow yoga teacher said to me that choosing a yoga lineage was like choosing a religion. And really, I kinda think he was right. All religions lead to the same thing - GOD,UNIVERSE,DIVINE. The difference between religions is the inception and morals. Where it comes from and what is seen as a moral way to practice or teach. There are more details associated with that, but I think those are the two main things that it comes down to that make differences.

So yoga actually is a relgion! Haha! I dunno, I'm not arguing that point, just bringing up that point. But at the same time, religion or not, I don't think that I should have to give up my morals (I think they're good at least right now) to be a certain yoga practioner, spiritual person, teacher, etc. In all honesty, there are certain types of yoga that I don't practice or teach specifically because as far as I can see, there is a moral opposition. And I may be rocking a friggin' boat here but that is truly the case. There are lots of other types of yoga that I do like and generally agree with as well, I just find that Anusara seems to flow with me the best so far. Of course, that doesn't mean that it's not still all running up the same hill to God, but there are certain ways that I choose to behave in my time here on Earth.

So before I go, I also wanted to mention something else. Last week I went to see Morgan Spurlock lecture (the director of Super Size Me) at UT. Through the several hours that he spoke (more like a comedy routine though) I think he managed to say something at one point or another that could have insulted everyone there. From gays to vegans to parapalegics, etc. And though he may have been rude on a number of occasions, I never got the feeling that was his purpose. So I was never actually insulted, and he never apologized for anything he said, and I don't think he had a need to. I liked that.

So I may have just made an arguement and then just disqualified myself, but c'est la vie!

Concrete and Honey

2008-10-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

So I was walking through what I believe they call the West Mall at school today, and I was stopped by 3 youngins who asked if they could ask me questions. Now, in this area of campus, you CANNOT walk through without someone giving you a flyer, trying to stop and talk to you, trying to get you to vote for pro-vegan communist legislation, or something (I'm not saying anything bad, I actually have vegan communist friends, really). But they seemed nice and also had a subject that I was somewhat interested in.

They asked me what did I believe happened to me when I died. I said that I was not completely sure, but what seemed to make the most sense to me at this point in my life was reincarnation. So we just kept on going through this conversation about how reincarnation works and where did I think that it was an unending cycle, etc. So we go through this whole thing (it was not an angered conversation or anything which was nice, kind of more of a Q&A) and basically, they came down to asking me:

"But what if you're wrong?"
"Then I guess I would just be wrong."
"But what if there is a heaven and hell and your beliefs made you go to hell?"
"Well, then I guess I'd have to say woops, I was wrong."

They seemed to be shocked by my simple answer.

"So you wouldn't mind burning in Hell because you were wrong"
"Like I said, I try to live my life being the best person that I can and the happiest I can. And maybe I'm wrong, but I did the best that I could with what I knew. So then maybe I WOULD get reincarnated and then figure out how to live my life RIGHT!"

So basically their whole point was "What if you are wrong?" Later on, it made me think of what being wrong is. It seems that they saw that if you were wrong, you were eternally condemned (Yes they were a Christian organization, and it was nice that they weren't preachy. Like I said, nice conversation). When I see wrong, I see it as just an opportunity to learn. To realize that something else is more correct. Not necessarily right, but more correct. I was kind of shocked to see that I feel this way, even though I don't remember making a conscious choice in my head that being wrong wasn't as bad as I always thought. And it was sweet how this new belief that I guess I have just sweetly stepped in. And at this point it just feels pretty solid; I have no reason to question it.

Our conversation was longer and more interesting than what I put here, including going into how I know I won't go to hell because I choose not to, and I choose to see God as a Good thing, etc. But that just goes to show how when you make a choice to see things in the perspective of innately good, that beliefs may just change without you really knowing it. So it was just something I've pondered today.

On another note, Pam, I think you have something about farting and altitude. In my scuba diving class we were talking about the effects of pressure on the gasses within our system, and it sounds like having more gas when you're at a higher altitude makes sense. Of course we were talking about adding pressure underwater, but also how we are affected as we come back up and gas expanding and releasing with less pressure. And if someone lives in the altitude, they will have already gone through the experience, so I think it's pretty much just for people who are new to the altitude. That, and you're just damn Vata.

Harts and farts,

J-Dub

Man of Another Generation

2008-09-18T16:45:00.000-07:00

So I've experienced what Pam gets so worked up about. Today we were in a screening for my Intro to Media Studies class and we watched a documentary called HYPE!. It's about the early 90s grunge scene. So as I'm watching it, I hear all the 18 and 19 year old kids sighing and making comments about how boring this is and these people can't play music, etc. I was quite frankly shocked. I was watching this thing having old memories of how cool grunge was and the flannel and the docs.

That was the music that surrounded me whenever I was first listening to music outside of what my parents listened to. I remember that it wasn't about how good the band actually was, but how much fun the band was having. If they were having fun, you were having fun. The common asynchronous music and lyrics mixed with generally bad sound was just a part of it. It was so much more about sitting with your best buds in a garage playing music and screwing off while you locked your parents out in smoldering indifference to their attempts at raising you well. So I asked a few of my fellow students when they were born to find out that at least half of them were actually born in the 90s (remember Kurt Cobain died in 1994). So I just really saw how simply being born just a few years apart really makes a huge difference in not only your upbringing, but the culture you came up in as well.

For me, it was cathartic and kind of a trip down memory lane. Though I'm not a "grungy" type of person, that was definitely a key time of my life. So yes, I know know what your are talking about Pam, being a man of another generation.

Posting

2008-09-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

So obviously I haven't been posting. It hasn't been that I've quit the yoga scene or anything, I just haven't had the urge to keep blabbing and talking about myself.

Quote

2008-08-05T13:21:00.000-07:00

What lies behind you and what lies before you are tiny matters, compared to what lies within you - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Summer Sunrise

2008-07-26T05:46:00.000-07:00

"Say a crisp good morning
Sniff your nose out the car window
That's the smell of promise
The dewy sunrise,
the coolness that promises the heat to come

As the Starbucks kiddos yawn for the fix they provide
And the construction workers begin their taco journey along the sidewalk.

Even in the city, the owls are happily yackin' from their branches
Saying a crisp good morning
Just like in the hill country."

I have a dream where I wake up and the sun hasn't quite risen. I sit up in my tent, a smile naturally plasters across my refreshed face, and I turn over to wake my partner "Get up, it's early morning! Let's go pick some mangos!" Then he sleepily calls me a shit-head, rolls over, and I hop up and walk with smooth breaths to the mango trees outside. I pick mangos for a few mintues, then I feel a hug from behind. He kissses my cheek, leans on me heavily, and moans with morning exhaustion. We pick mangos for breakfast...

Another weird nugget from Practice

2008-07-21T11:31:00.000-07:00

So this has happened to me many times before and I'm curious as to what everyone else has to say about this. Have you ever gotten into a pose that's challenging for you, worked really hard and what you know you need, and come out seemingly completely changed? I was doing Vira III just a moment ago and by no means was I in the full expression of the pose(leaning way into my TV center, bent over, etc.), but I was working my ass off and playing around with (of course) inner spiral. But then when I came up, I had this sense of vertigo. Naturally vertigo isn't uncommon, but it's just weird to me because from then on out, I feel completely different. Once my focus has come back, it is much more direct, all of a sudden, every part of my inner body has shifted... brightened. My skin feels just like a taut piece of tarp over my inner body. Even though the skin of my face feels tighter, my face feels softer inside. Now that I write about it, it makes sense. I just tapped more into my inner body and shifted from within there, and it's expanding out to make my outter body feel like it isn't big enough. But it's just weird because it doesn't feel like my muscles are that different, just the inner feeling overall. So... just some musings on this, that's all I guess.

Mommy and Me, 1987

2008-07-17T12:54:00.001-07:00

I'M AN OFFICIAL LONGHORN!!!

2008-07-07T15:39:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess you could say that when I got my acceptance letter, but either way, I got the sticker today. I went to orientation at UT and signed up for classes:

Intro to Media Studies
Development of the Motion Picture
French 1
Basic Scuba Diving (hey, I just needed one more hour)

On my way out of the lab registering for classes, this girl gave me a sticker that says "Official Longhorn" on it. Actually, it was kinda funny because I hadn't come out of the lab yet, I was actually coming out of the bathroom when she gave it to me and I was like "Cool, this is all I have to do to be a Longhorn?" But then I went upstairs, registered for my classes, came back downstairs and apparently that was when I was supposed to get my sticker, not when leaving the bathroom.

But I did find it interesting just to think, when am I a Longhorn? When I got my acceptance letter? When she gave me the sticker? When I walk across the stage with a degree rolled in my palm? When I came out of the bathroom?

I like to think it was when I decided to go to UT, even before I applied. Lables and stickers can be funny huh? And where do you put them on yourself?

Nightmares

2008-07-07T01:17:00.000-07:00

I've been having a lot of nightmares lately, and it's simply weird. One, because I haven't had such vivid dreams in years. Two, because they're very scary, but not like scary dreams I've usually had- these recent ones have all been situations that could pretty much happen in real life. The other night, I dreamt that I was adopted, actually in the same way my sister Nikki is. She is my mother's biological daughter, but not my father's biological daughter. But I dreamt that I was my mother's son, but my father had adopted me when they got married. And what was so crazy was how scared I was. In the dream, my parents told me at the age I am now, and I was freaking out and no matter what they said or did, I couldn't be consoled. I remember them saying "We still love you so much and your father adopted you because he loves you so much," but I still felt completely disconnected from them like all the love they had given me as a child was false and I didn't belong there.

That dream woke me up in the middle of the night, but when I woke up in the morning, I had another dream where I was sitting at a lunch table with a bunch of my friends from High School. And they were all having fun and laughing and inviting me to have fun with them. They were so sincere about enjoying me being around, but I didn't feel like I should be there and that no matter what they said, I didn't believe them. It was just a complete disconnection that was shockingly fearful.

And I'm now writing this at 3:30 in the morning because I can't sleep after waking up from this last nightmare. I was at work around dusk and I was walked outside and this group of men (I can still see their faces) were robbing the shop next door, intending to rob me and my work next. So I threatened to call the police and they said that I wouldn't and what I was going to do was walk back inside and get something big for them to smash my car with. I got scared at that point and asked if a 2x4 would work. One guy nodded, and I just grabbed a 2x4, took it back out to him and he proceded to smash my car and shattered my windshield. Other guys came into the business and took things, then they all left. I finished up cleaning at work, including most of the stuff the robbers had messed up, and then somehow was in my parents house without actually driving home. So I called my parents that were staying at a friends and they came and picked me up as I told them what happened. As we were driving, I saw the robbers and immmediately called 911 as we were driving. The dispatcher answered but kept talking without listening to me, then he put me on hold. We got down to the end of a street that was a quite place so I could talk on the phone. Then the robbers showed up and were taking a bunch of junk in the area and were close by my parents' car. I just froze and was scared to move at all, and I was freaked out and frustrated because I was trying to call 911 only to be ignored and put on hold. Then I woke up.

Most scary dreams I've always had have been much more supernatural and obviously dreams, but these seemed like they were actually happening in real life. I couldn't tell that it wasn't real, and they were just so obvious- I rarely ever remember my dreams. And the incapacitating fear of them was just horrible, I felt so frozen in my dreams. I'm hoping this won't last much longer, I've had a few nights of this stuff and it ain't fun. I feel like I really needed to put this out there and say it, so there it is.

To Open

2008-07-06T09:53:00.000-07:00

So I'm planning for my classes today, and I just felt that I needed to do a class on opening. Now, I really like to use themes like, Unravel, Undo, and Unfold (all inspired by 3 seperate Bjork songs). But I was wondering how else I can explain it so of course, I consulted yourdictionary.com. I found it so interesting when I looked at the etymology, it is related to upana. Upana (or apana) flow is the pranic flow of energy that is released downward, ie excretion of waste, menstruation, etc. But I just love it when you first notice some of those connections in the threads of the web. Open to Grace to bring in the love and release that which isn't serving you. Find the release in Inner Spiral, allow the retched to leave you and keep the flow moving in and out. We are all working to steep ourselves deeper into the River of Grace and feel it's fullness. So the Universal Principles of Alignment are technology to step deeper into the waters. Part of the definition to Open is to spread out, unfold, unclose, or be expanded like an open book. When we allow ourselves to be open books, we become expanded. Expanded in resources, expanded in prana, expanded in our relations with others and God. Which makes me think of yet another song, Let Go by Frou Frou. The entire song is about this opening, but I love this part:

So let go, jump in
Oh well, whatcha waiting for
It's alright
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown

Stay strong, but not bridled. Open to Grace, and feel the beauty of expansion. We'll be Inner Spiralling today.

Know thyself to know God.

2008-07-03T15:33:00.000-07:00

I just finished going through the blogroll right now and there seems to be a common thread that's popping up to various degrees: God is One. And to know God, know thyself.

Excuse me... what?! You want me to do what? Know who? And when you hear people say things like "Know thyself" it almost always comes out as this sweet draft of poetics that lightly and lovingly fluttered from their lips. Where do people get this feeling that knowing God and knowing yourself is easy or necessarily sweet? Not that it couldn't be, but I'm having hell with it. And not only that but then learning when you teach you should be honest with where you are and vulnerable in front of your students, all the while still being in the seat of the teacher and giving so much to your students? That's an awfully heavy package to deliver.

This is especially hard considering that I'm not completely aware of why I do this. When signing up for the Anusara Teacher Training we were supposed to fill out this form of blah blah blah, but we were also supposed to fill out a part that asked us why we teach and why did we want to take this training. Half the reason that I didn't fill it out was because I DON'T KNOW. Am I doing this because it's an easy way to make a living (hell no), am I doing this because someone said that I should (no, I certainly don't always do what people tell me I should), am I doing this because it's a flexible schedule (no, my schedule seems if anything to be more wrapped up)? All I really do know is that it feels right. And usually the things that feel right are easy and pleasurable, right? I'm learning that's not always the case. That being said, I'm not saying there aren't great and pleasurable aspects of this, but it's a process that requires you to throw yourself into your own Chit (yes, pun intended). And how can you know yourself when you're 24? But I guess knowing yourself and thus knowing God is a lifelong process. Please tell me it gets easier on SOME level at SOME point (but don't lie).

And living alone certainly doesn't make that easier. When you have more time that you spend by yourself, you definitely think about yourself. So even having a day off isn't always pleasurable because while you clean and organize at home, you have only yourself and the things that you chose to surround you. I think that's why God created alcohol, as a diversion. As a distraction like a shiny object, a new accessory, or a new toy. Of course now I probably sound like I'm writing this sloshed, but I can assure you, I am perfectly sober. In fact, I'm teaching a class in like, an hour. Hopefully this stuff will translate better into a theme than my current rant. But we'll be practicing knowing God by knowing yourself by moving from the front body into the back body.

I love you YuPing!

2008-07-02T16:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I've totally got to do a commercial here. So I've had hamstring "issues" or hamstring "cloaking" (as it may be said in Anusara land, sorta) for quite some time now. They've always been tight, but I gave myself an insertion point injury probably just over a month ago. So I went ahead and begrudingly booked myself an acupuncture appointment with a local practioner. Her name is YuPing Wu, also known as Apple, she owns Applecare Acupuncture and Chinese Medicine clinic, and she is fabuloso! She spent a lot of time with me to figure out what my hamstring problem is, and she was soooo sweet and caring. She checked out my pulse and my tongue, and by looking at my tongue was able to tell me what I needed to work on in my diet. And she was telling me to add foods that I've been unintenionally ignoring!

As we went through the appointment and needling, YuPing also worked on areas besides my hamstrings that is making me feel better in general. The herbs she recommended ended up being a lot cheaper than I expected too. After the appoinment, I've been calmer and I'm less stressed out. I even came into work earlier today and my boss told me that my eyes still have the soft look to them that she saw the day before. So I just can't rave enough about her. She's studied Chinese Medicine in Taiwan and Western Medicine with doctors in Chicago, along with a bunch of other certifications and awards and stuff that she has. So I recommend anyone go to her; I willingly drive up to Northwest Austin to see her. So especially for you yogis and such that live up there, GO SEE YUPING! She's just at 183 and McNeil and her website is www.appleacu.com and I also put a link in my side bar to the right. She is Awesomeness incarnate!

Howling at the Moon!

2008-06-19T08:57:00.000-07:00

So I found out through the Save our Springs e-mail list that I'm on that every month on the night of the full moon, they have a free night swim from 9-10 at Barton Springs. So I left straight from work, went to the Springs, hopped the fence, and jumped in with my jeans on. Rattletree was playing their African beats which is always fun to hear, and at random times people would start howling, and the hundreds of people at the springs would just start howling. It was pretty awesome, but unfortunately, it only lasts an hour.

So a couple of interesting tidbits in case you're interested. Last nights full moon was also the Summer Solstice moon, as well as the largest moon to come out this year. And it was a pretty bright yellow last night too. So we all know what kind of energy emanates from the full moon, but also, Mercury has been in retrograde for the last 3 weeks or so, which means that those people and things deeply connected with communications have been off kilter. So in case you've been feeling like you're going crazy, or your phones haven't been working, and you're ready to hit someone for not listening or through your computer through the window, remember that this is only temporary, and should get better after today. However, the first and last parts of a planet going in retrograde are when the energy is strongest as the planet has "halted." What that means is that from the view we have of space, the planet actually appears to stop in the air before it begins moving backwards, and then stops again before returning on its forward path. But after the halting today, things should finish clearing up by July 4th.

So I just was interested in the coexistence of the largest moon of the year, the Summer Solstice moon, and the halting point of Mercury in the sky (oh, and if Mercury is prominent in your chart, then you'll be more strongly affected than others. Mercury is prominent in my house of dharma, so that's my excuse and I'm sticking to it). So next time the full moon comes out, I'm callin' my peeps so we can go howl at the moon during a nice nightime swim.

My Emotional Hamstrings

2008-06-16T11:10:00.000-07:00

So a few moments ago, I was doing some work on the computer, frustrated about certain things. Then I looked at the time, and it was 1:08. I figured, well, if I'm going to work on my hamstring injury today, an auspicious time is better than any. So I immediately went to my mat, and did Utkatasna, specifically making a point to firm my right thigh just above the knee, do more pelvic loop than normal, and other stuff to work with my insertion point. So after staying there for just a moment or two, I was overcome with emotion. I just got down on the floor and starting crying. I don't know exactly what I was feeling, just something needed to come out. I only felt like I was so frustrated at being hurt, physically, and obviously on an emotional level too as I wasn't crying from physical pain.

It's interesting how asana practice can be psychotherapy. Of course, if you sit on the couch and cry without shifting anything in what you do, nothing's going to get better. But the types of emotions that come up just by moving your body in certain ways... it's ridiculous. Totally true and good, but ridiculous. And then making a point to focus on those emotions and muscles makes you wanna puke, but you feel like you have to do it anyway. I've had reactions like this in my asana practice before (always with those damn hamstrings), but it never ceases to shock me when I go back and find what's buried in there.

Oh and Pamela, I was also listening to a Nine Inch Nails remix of Bjork's "Hidden Place" at the time. Thought you might find that interesting.

Kung Fu Panda

2008-06-06T14:14:00.000-07:00

Everyone is now required to go see that movie. It is SOOOO GOOD! Really, it's got great themes interwoven in it, it's hilarious, it made me shed a tear or two, and it's great for the whole family. So go see it, especially you Anusaris out there.

In case you're not aware, I have a tradition running about 8 years now that I have to see an Angelina Jolie movie the day it comes out, no exceptions. If it means I take off work, I've done it before and I'll do it again. She does the voiceover for the Tigress, so that's why I had to go see it. Enjoy!

Enjoying some actual time off!

2008-06-03T12:53:00.000-07:00

Today has been awesome! I love the fact that I now have at least 1 day a week where I only do what I choose for that day. It has been rare that over the past year or so, I have had days where nothing was planned. But that's exactly what I wanted today and I've accomplished so much! Just getting some UT stuff outta the way, taking a walk in Pease Park, doing a practice, cleaning the apartment, getting a few other chores done, and I want to go see a movie, probably Sex in the City tonight. I've heard good things, even from people who were never big fans of the series. I will say though, it is slightly awkward not having at least one class to teach, one shift to work, a training, or some specific appointment to have. It's almost scary... but I definitely need to start having a day off each week, it seems to actually be pretty important.

On a side note, I'm going to make a point to memorize the Hanuman Chalisa. For some reason, it just keeps popping into my mind that I should know it by heart, and the first line is simply beautiful:

(Translation)
"I clean the mirror of my heart with the dust from my guru's feet"

And since I've first heard it (albeit very distilled, but great versions) I've loved the story of Hanuman and his forgetfulness, his ability to be so great when in the service of others, and the simple fact that he's a monkey who ran around biting the gods because he thought they were big mangos. I LOVE MANGOS! But really, as a child he was tossed in the flames of the sun unharmed and nurtured by his father the god of wind. I'm just going over parts of the Ramayana right now, and loving every bit of the story of Hanuman. Anyways, I'll stop rambling, and soon I'll have a fuller synopsis of the story of Hanuman. I need to get to practice!

Alchemy

2008-05-22T17:02:00.000-07:00

I recently went to Craig Williams, a local Acupuncturist, Chinese Herbalist, Ayurvedic Practitioner, Vedic Astologer, etc, the list goes on. I got my Vedic chart done and one of the main things that he pointed out to me was that everywhere he looked, he saw alchemy. That this lifetime that I have chosen to live in is about purification, refinement, burning away karma, and turning myself into something higher.

Well, at the moment, I am reading a book by Paulo Coehlo, the author of "The Alchemist." I read The Alchemist a few years ago and loved it, and when returning from my trip to New Mexico, I picked up his newest book "The Witch of Portobello." Needless to say, it's great. And I found this passage about alchemy that I really like:

(Edda, speaking to her student Athena)

"Now I'm going to ask you to imagine one of the most important symbols in alchemy: a snake forming a circle and swallowing its own tail. Can you imagine that?"

She nodded.

"That's what life is like for people like you and me. We're constantly destroying and rebuilding ourselves. Everything in your life has followed the same pattern: from lost to found; from divorce to new love; from working in a bank to selling real estate in the desert. Only one thing remains intact- your son. He is the connecting thread, and you must respect that."

I really like the whole analogy of a snake swallowing it's tail (not to be confused with a dog chasing his tail). You get rid of the old and bring in the new. And what was once amazing and intriguing and beautiful at one time becomes outdated, only to be replaced by something higher and better serving. All the while, it's still the same snake, the same person, and some thread that keeps it coming full circle.

It reminds me of a blog that I actually posted on my myspace page about when I was first going through my original teacher training. I wrote about how I was erasing a lot of my previous life and tearing down my support system made of rotting wood and was replacing it with steel beams. And of course, construction and remodeling can cause a lot of difficulty (for those in and around the house) but you do it anyway to create more beauty in yourself, in your house of the heart, and allowing that to shine onto everything that surrounds that place.

Fortunately, Craig also said that this alchemic path I'm on will trump my return of Saturn so not to worry about it too much. YAY!

A little more Svasanaing

2008-05-14T19:52:00.000-07:00

So today, I totally didn't feel like practicing. I knew I was going to have a long day, but I knew I needed to get something in. So I went home after teaching, did 5 minutes (per side) Janu Sirsasana to work on my inner spiral, then 5 minutes of headstand, 5 minutes of shoulderstand, and 5 minutes Svasana. So the interesting thing was, as I lay down for Svasana, I had a somewhat similar feeling as I described in a former post. Before I wrote about Chit being more in the right body and Ananda being more in the right body. This time, as I lay down, the whole right side of my body felt like mud. But in a good way, like my body was melting down heavily into the ground. Then my left side felt dry and hard, and all I could think of to describe it was feeling like my left body was made of dry wood. In fact, in the first few moments of Svasana, I thought, "Oh man, how come I never noticed that my floor was COMPLETELY uneven. I guess I just happened to lie right on the edge of where it drops off." Then of course, I realized that was slightly ridiculous, and I even checked after Svasana to make sure whether or not it was even.

But I had this kind of vision like my body was some type of weird voodoo doll that was half made of wood and half of dripping mud. But what it really made me think about was why would I feel such opposing sensations in my body? Was the feeling a manifestation of emotions in my body? Could it be the different ways I was working in my legs' inner spiral (Shoulderstand, okay, more inner spiral on the upper-inner left thight, take that pubic bone back more... now more inner spiral just above the inner right knee and find that muscle that always eludes you every time you do Parsvakonasana on that side...) causing a release in one side and some stiffness/resistance in the other? Whatever it was, it was a very interesting experience. Anybody else ever feel this kinda stuff???

It's all energy!

2008-05-11T17:35:00.000-07:00

So this is absolutely a true story. It sounds kinda like one of those e-mails that has gone around the globe twice that someone made up, but didn't actually happen. But this is totally sweet and it did happen. So I was walking through my apartment complex earlier today to get my mail from over by the office, and as I was walking over the creek that runs through it, an old woman stopped me. She was stooped over with really thick glasses had a hard time hearing me and couldn't have been any younger than 68. She asked me in a European accent "Look here. You see that tree there that has broken?" I said yes. "So it is separated, then look over here, it is still connected to the roots a little bit, yes?" I agreed. "Well look at how all those leaves are still growing from it, amazing yes?" At that point I thought, "Yeah, that is pretty amazing. The tree isn't dead even though it is obviously completely broken." So she then says, "You know, it makes me think about being old. Even though this doesn't work well anymore and I can't do this anymore and that is hard, I'm still useful. I used to live by the train tracks in Houston for 17 years, and there were two trees outside my window that were broken, but every year, they had blossoms and their leaves came out." Then there was a bit of an awkward pause as I wasn't sure how to continue this conversation, then she said "You know the poet Emerson said (and I'm probably screwing this up, but she said something like this) that you get to know nature and you learn more about yourself." Then we just looked at the creek bed for a little bit, and I said good evening to her. And as I was walking off she yells to me "It's all energy!" I turned around and she continued to walk toward me with a surprisingly strong stride. "The leaves they grow, flowers they blossom even when the sun doesn't shine. It's all just energy!" I nodded with a smile and said, "Yes, that's true," and continued on my way.

So I definitely questioned at first, is this woman crazy? And it certainly is unusual where I live to see an old European woman walking around, but crazy or not, she certainly seemed to be happy, excited about her life, and to understand how we are reflected in nature. So I just thought I'd share this.

Jewelry Box

2008-04-24T19:38:00.000-07:00

Have you ever gone through your jewelry box and found parts of yourself that you haven't talked to in a long time? You find the leather and steel bracelet you bought at that time in your life when you had to be strong... or that barb wire necklace that was given to you, and it seemed like it had to be pure chance that it was given at a time when you felt trapped... and if that gold necklace that your parents gave you on your 16th birthday broke, you know you would break with it... the silver ring with a cross in it that repulsed you at the time, but for some reason wearing it felt right... the spiked bracelet from the time when it seemed like all you could feel was pain... the hourglass necklace that mom bought you when she felt that you finally understood something about time... the Om Namah Shivaya bracelet you got right after you felt what that meant... and your grandfather's dog tags you received from your father years after Papa Tex died.

I received a piece of jewelry today. It was given to me as a birthday present by my friend Prema. She received some stones and asked me which one I wanted her to make a necklace of. We both felt the tiger's eye to be the most appropriate. I don't know why I chose it, and I didn't know that it was tiger's eye when I first saw it, but I chose the one with more flaws in it- it looked more beautiful. She fashioned it into a necklace and gave it to me; we found that tiger's eye brings focus, clarity, and insight to the wearer, and that seems to only make sense. I now see what all the jewelry I've collected over the years represents in my life.

So what phase am I in now?

Not so much a question that I must seek out the answer to, but just a case of wonderment. When I see this necklace in my jewelry box years from now, what will I remember that it meant to me? Will I remember that it was given to me the day before I flew to New Mexico to see my mother and go to a powow? Will I remember the song I was listening to as I write this very thing? Will I remember the mixed emotions I felt in that period of time- all the sudden changes in my life after meeting someone who has put a mirror in front of me and made me see every facet of myself?

But either way, whether I remember or not, I'm closing my jewelry box now. I'm leaving town tomorrow, and I know this much- every time I travel, something shifts inside, and I'm never completely the same again.

I Got Accepted!!!

2008-04-22T06:49:00.000-07:00

I found out last night that I got accepted into the major Radio/Television/Film of the Communications School at UT! YAY!!! And from what I hear, they only accept 15 majors a year, phew! I made the cut. So now to get my butt into gear...

All is Full of Love

2008-04-15T15:14:00.000-07:00

My favorite song by Bjork. I love how the lyrics portray Love as an ever pervading energy that is all around us, yet the video portrays it to be something to find in yourself. The video is clean and solid but highly electric and nerve tapping with just a hint of raw humanity. It just makes more sense than experience in reality. Here's it is if you'd like to see it:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=EjAoBKagWQA

And here's a live version that I love, the climax is unbelievable:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=tvoEZXop4zM

And here's a video from the song Joga (pronounced Yoga):

http://youtube.com/watch?v=CYP9lA-g1_I&feature=related

Loverly.

The Power of Intention

2008-04-09T15:09:00.000-07:00

So... This morning I taught a class. Lots of hip openers and backbends. My theme for the class was somewhat broad- about fire, the sun, heat, etc. Class went well, so then I decided to stay in the empty room and practice myself. Mind you I was demoing many of the postures so I was warm when I started my practice. I decided to just do the same sequence I just taught, which I often do and find it to be a helpful tool in tuning up my sequencing. Well I'm shocked at what I've felt like all day. Even now, 6 hrs after I finished practicing, my skin is hot to the touch. I can feel the heat radiating from my body constantly. I've been drinking cool water and kombucha and even had a smoothie as a late lunch, but that tapas just keeps going. There were even a few classes that I taught earlier this year that some of my co-workers came to. I worked with them afterwards and found that a lot of the energy of the theme translated to them as we worked later that day. So I just find it interesting how powerful a theme can be and how it can manifest itself even in people, even the ones that aren't paying that much attention to it. Now I'm just wondering how my students are doing today...

Another post for honesty

2008-03-28T10:04:00.000-07:00

That's one of the things that I like best about so many of my experiences with Anusara. I rarely if ever feel like I can't be honest. In my practice, in my kula gatherings, in my classes and the classes I attend, I can always preserve Satya. In some other yoga environments I've been in, it's been like "Oh, I encourage you to be yourself, but just not in front of anybody." Even the other day, I was talking to a friend Caitlin about how my generation just wants to splurge our personal lives online for everyone to read, no matter how appropriate or innappropriate it may be. It makes me wonder if our generation may just be tired of being lied to but that may be assuming too much too quickly.

Anyways, after a mini kula gathering last night, it made me think of how this environment accepts and loves me for who I am. Despite disagreements, clashes of energy at times, lack of connection, periods of not communicating, acceptance has always been there. My alcohol consuming (mind you, not going to crazy), often dirty-mouthed, sometimes overly honest, gay-ass self. And I can pretty much trust that if I offend someone, they will at least say something to me as opposed to, I dunno, talk about it with other people and let things seep back around to me. I just feel like there's a lot more openness and honesty in this environment, even with such a strong focus of beneficence and positivity. Even though it may be a loose band of Merry Bohemians, there is still strong communication. So there's my rant and my cheer for the Anusara culture. Hope I'm not misrepresenting, I want to REPRESENT!

LOVED this picture.

2008-03-27T07:45:00.000-07:00

see more crazy cat pics

Right and Left Body

2008-03-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

So I went to the Anusara group practice at YYNW yesterday and it was great. Good people. We did the forward bending and inversion half of the practice which was a bit grueling for me but I really needed it. It makes me appreciate backbends a lot more. So we did a little meditation at the end before Svasana and a few little things came to me. This is just my experience so it's not some definitive thing, but I noticed some energetic differences between my right and left bodies.

During the meditation, I noticed that my right body automatically wanted to keep moving forward as my left body was perfectly happy staying back. I had to consciously make a point to bring my right body into my back body. When doing so, I noticed a feeling of restraint, discipline, and keeping myself in check. But I didn't feel tied down, I liked the fact that I was making a conscious choice to bring myself back. It was of my will to auspiciously choose self-restraint.

Then there was my left side. It seemed plenty happy to just relax back and play in the back body. It was always moving back but seemed to do so with lightness and organic playfulness. I didn't need to move it back, it was naturally attracted to my back body. I thought about moving it forward, but that didn't seem right, so I let it play where it was. So I could even it all out by making a choice to allow my left body to move of it's own volition and making a choice to work my right body back with effort. So that made me think of a few things.

Maybe I felt this all just because I'm right handed, who knows. But after a rigorous practice, and then closing your eyes for meditation, I think it's a lot easier to tap into the pranic level of the body. So maybe I lead with my right body because I'm used to using that side to move forward, manipulate objects with that side, I just use that side to get things done. The right side always wants to DO. Then there's the left side that is always much more relaxed, less strong, but more enjoyable and simply playful. It's not interested in moving forward, it just wishes to relax back and enjoy the the support that is behind it. The left side just wants to BE.

So it makes me think of how the right body may associate more with Chit, and the left body is more in touch with Ananda. We participate in both sides of our bodies to move together toward the health of the middle, the spine, and the shushumna. We need that balance of effort and ease, yes and no, etc. to connect. So these are just thoughts and feeling I had during that meditation. Take what you wish, and leave the rest.

Bad Mood = Good Teaching

2008-03-12T10:12:00.000-07:00

Well not necessarily. But the thing that I've noticed, is that when I am in the worst of moods, I teach some of my best classes. I've found that when I'm in a great mood and jazzed up, I often start to take my own agenda too far in the class. Then I'm not teaching to the students in front of me, I want to take them further than they are ready for etc. It's like I'm more concerned with my own enjoyment in the class than the students. And I've noticed that when I go into a class in a bad mood for whatever reason or emotion that I'm feeling, I'm more likely to give than receive.

It makes me think of something my mom told me a long time ago that her father told her. "The best thing you can do for yourself when you are depressed or in a slump is to help other people. That makes you truly happy." Of course, that isn't an absolute truth directly from the divine that will always work, but I'm now actually seeing how there is a lot of validity to that statement. It's like, when I'm in a bad mood, I'd prefer to step out of my wallowing to focus on someone else and give them some knowledge (Jnana) that I have. Then when you see that it's working and they're getting it, and their energy changes, that is reflected back to you and you no longer feel like crap. Then the inspiring heart-felt language (Iccha) just flows out of your mouth and make things even greater. At that point, everyone is more willing to find a reason to work hard (Kriya) and they see the benefits of these difficult actions. So maybe I wasn't able to work my class up to 1/2 handstand today, but I helped some people with their wrist pain so they feel able to do an awesome Downward Facing Dog, AND with a beautiful melting heart. And after all the AMSs we did before, they can now do them and actually enjoy them!

So giving these beautiful people knowledge to create a beautiful melting heart allows my own heart to melt as well. So I'm not saying tis good to get yourself into a bad mood before teaching, but just know that it's okay to go in to teach, being honest with yourself, and the shift is there awaiting you in the classroom.

Dedication???

2008-03-11T18:12:00.000-07:00

So this subject has definitely been trilling around in my head lately (see previous posts). So you know how in yoga classes, teachers always tell you "If it hurts don't do it" or "If I say sit deeper and you know that is not going to serve you, don't do it" and "If what I'm saying doesn't resonate with you, ignore it"? Well that's kinda the way I feel about dedication. And I think it's because of some weird negative connotations that I associate with the word. So I'm not saying that dedication is bad or shouldn't be encouraged (not at all and I'm also certainly not trying to make a point to anyone, I'm just writing my thoughts), but I think that I just have an aversion to the word.

During one of the Immersion weekends, the whole group split up into several smaller groups and we all went through a few translations of several of the Yoga Sutras. I remember as we went through Sutra 2.1, I had a reaction to it. One translation is "The practical means for attaining higher consciousness consist of three components: self-discipline and purification (ascesis), self-study, and devotion to the Lord." I remember saying that I just didn't like this sutra and it was not something I wanted to work on. That it was too hard and don't want to spend a ton of time in my life with these subjects. Then my friend Pamela said (and this is not a direct quote but I'm sure it's pretty close, can you verify this for me Pamela?) "I find it very interesting that of all the sutras, that is the one you dislike. You out of most of the Anusara practitioners I know are one of the most disciplined and dedicated." So at the time, I thought, "Oh no, I am not that. There are so many that are more dedicated and better practitioners, I don't know how they do that, I can't do that." But really, no matter how dedicated I may have looked to some on the outside, my dedication inside was faltering and crumbling more every day.

So today I realized something. That I was so obsessed with the bat and hitting the ball that I forgot to keep my eye on the ball. I was trying to do every outward thing I could do in the name of dedication that I forgot about what I chose to have as the focus of my dedication. I was focusing on the acts of dedication rather than the reason and soul behind dedication. So that lack of focus began to tear me up from the inside out. Your practice should serve you, not tear you down. What you do in your life should be there to help you find the beauty and the love. So this break I've taken from my practice as well as several different regular thought processes I have has actually served me. So the last month or so has been difficult, but I think beneficial in the long run.

On another more positive note about dedication though, something that I've done in my life before but seems more obvious and significant today, is that I'm more dedicated when I don't try to be dedicated. When I'm not putting the pressure on myself too much, I just go in the direction that I'd like to go and the dedication just kinda sneaks in the back door. I find myself doing plenty of dedicated acts without giving a thought to dedication. Only now, the stress is gone and you can enjoy your dedication rather than force it. So I guess that's all I have to say about that.

Duh.

2008-02-27T20:11:00.000-08:00

I just realized that probably why I feel like I'm going crazy is because I' haven't had a day off in almost 3 weeks! And that doesn't even include my teaching. That's it, I'm gettin' real drunk real soon - haha.

Release

2008-02-24T17:35:00.000-08:00

So I actually made it to a class today. But what was even crazier is what happened to me in that class. As we were in Savasana, there was just something in the class, some energy that made me release an idea. I dunno, maybe it was because Kim said "Release any constraints that are holding your mind from expanding." Either way, I did. I just felt something in that class that was a release. A muscular release, a release of intention, and a release of an idea about yoga.

But the oddest thing about it is that as I felt it go, this sense of mourning came over me. Like when you end a bad relationship and the breakup words are coming out, yet you feel this sense of finality that says "Things will never be the same again with this person." My immediate feeling was "Oh shit. This is counter to Anusara. I can't do it anymore. Do I have to pick another lineage again? I don't know if I can handle that again." I felt like I was losing this connection to ideas and people I love; that a bridge had collapsed. But as I was driving home, I realized a few things.

First of all, what I found wasn't actually something that goes against the lineage of Anusara. As a matter of fact, it's a key aspect of it. Then I realized how the idea I released was really some weird addiction. I had to feel that this idea was key in order to be secure with what I am practicing and teaching. Like how a crackhead feels that he can't survive without his fix. He is perfectly capable of surviving without crack (given a good rehab process) and would even flourish much better without it. But no matter what people tell him, he's addicted.

No matter what people have told me, I've been addicted to this idea. My family, teachers, employers, practically anyone who knows me well has told me in some form or another. Even earlier from Christina's comment: "There is no 'one way' to practice yoga." But how is it that I've agreed with this since the beginning, yet I still seem to have this idea that is contradictory? I literally had to have a physical release in my body to have this emotional and mental release.

Which takes me to another thing that's been floating around in my head. The theory of fucking up. My parents have always tried to advise me about what to do to avoid pain, difficulty, and the unnecessary. You know, the whole parental "Learn from my mistakes." Well I'm sorry Mom, I hear you saying I shouldn't run around the house with a blindfold on, but the fact of the matter is- I'm not going to understand why you tell me this until I sprint face first into a wall. I understand the concept and why you are warning me, but the fact of the matter is that I will not be able to fully comprehend this until I feel the pain of a broken nose. So it's not that I don't appreciate people's advice, but until I've had the opportunity to fuck up and learn from it, it's not going to be real to me. NOW, that being said, I'm glad I now have yoga. It is not so blunt and it's a much less painful way of figuring some of this stuff out. So I can just allow my practice to teach me instead. Yoga is my microcosm of the macrocosm.

So back to the original point. Something was let go. I don't know if it is completely gone or if it will slip back in through a crack in the window. I'm going with the window theory because it makes me think of high school. I hated school, so many days I fought my Mom about going to school because I hated it, I hated the people, and I hated what I had to go through every single day. So my mom gave me lots of options: home school, switch schools, therapy, even move in with family outside of S. Texas to finish high school. But I always refused. No matter how much I hated it, I clung to it as well. It's what I knew and I couldn't allow any change. Wow. Now that's even more fucked up than the fucking up theory.

Honesty

2008-02-24T05:45:00.000-08:00

How is it that we can get so wrapped up in something, that we can no longer be honest with ourselves? I mean really, I would think that if there is anyone that one could be honest with, it should be one's self. Or Self, whatever. Either way, be honest.

I feel like I have lost so much of myself, and I blame yoga. Okay, not really, but that's my first reaction. Then, after thinking about it for just a little while, it's because I haven't been honest with myself about my relationship with yoga. At some point I got this ridiculous idea that the rest of my life will be devoted to yoga and that I should do nothing else because it is a good path and I can help so many other people. That along with so many other ideas (not wrong ideas) that were just kinda bullshit for me. That any stress I have I will relieve with yoga. If I'm angry, do yoga. If I'm sad, do yoga. If I'm happy, do yoga. If I'm anxious, do yoga. Well, yoga may be able to help us with so many things, but it's not helping me anymore. And it all comes back to the honesty thing. If I can't be honest with myself first, the yoga HONESTLY isn't going to help me. I haven't been practicing for nearly a month, and NOW I'm feeling like I can understand more of what is going on inside me. Almost as if I've been unconsciously using yoga as a distraction to not look inside. WTF!?!?!? Isn't that counter to one of the main points of doing yoga?

I feel like I've been pushing myself to a dedication that I don't want right now. I've been taking what other people say as more important than what I think is important. What's the point in dedicating yourself to something that isn't serving you? That just drives you to hate. Hatred of everthing and everyone around you and hatred of yourself.

And in all HONESTY right now, I just want to practice yoga to enjoy it. I want to take what's working for me at each moment, and just let the rest sit in my memory bank until it's useful. I used to think "Oh, I'm so happy to have found this path at such a young age." Bullshit. I think there's actually a reason behind why (what I've noticed at least) most people seem to really start deepening in yoga in their very late 20s or later as opposed to being really young. Because they've come to a point in there lives where they NEED SOMETHING DEEPER. But I don't need something that deep right now. I need/want to play in the shallow waters, not go deep sea diving.

My depth right now is honesty (which seems to be a concept that comes back to me time after time since I was a little kid). Which brings me to the concept of positivity. People say to always try and find the positive aspect of things. Yeah, well, please explain that a little more. If you can't be honest with yourself and feel whatever you're feeling first, then positivity and trying to "find the light" isn't gonna do shit for you. Once you've let out what you need to say/feel/do, then you have purged, and you can begin to find the good in your actions. But just automatically resorting to positivity is just ignoring the situation. So maybe many of you are thinking "Well, duh," but I'm just now figuring this out.

I saw a quote earlier today that I like. "Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart." -Unknown. Well I've been in a place where there is little noise, little trouble, and sure as hell no hard work. But my heart has been a total wreck. So I want to go where there is noise and emotions flying, and lots of work going on so I can find some peace in my heart. So that's it. I'm going back to school.

Where have all the Cowboys gone?

2008-02-01T00:48:00.000-08:00

And by cowboys I mean 23 yr old guys. And I'm not even talking romantically, just really, where are all the people my age, specifically guys? It's kinda weird how I never see them. At least if I did, I would have some clue as to what's going on with most people my age. You know, the post Bachelor's in Liberal Arts/I don't know what I want to do with my life years? Are they holed up in their parent's houses getting stoned out of their minds all day? I do see some girls more my age, but most of them are a little older and settling into a point where their relationships are starting to get serious. Past that, most of the people I know are women at least 10 years older than me. And I love them to death, but the fact of the matter is that I don't have the slightest clue what these women are going through. I can empathize, but it's like understanding the concept of playing ball without actually ever being on the field. These people are simply at very different stages of their lives.

So where are all the 23 yrs olds that spout out stupid shit all the times? Where are my peeps? The only other place I can think of is at the gay (or regular for that matter) clubs. But so many of those 23 yr olds are constantly drunk, always trippin' or in k-holes, and working at A&F during the week. I worked at Armani Exchange for a little while, not my thang. I still like to drink and go out, but not gorge myself on drugs and Cape Cods. So how do you find and relate to people the same age as you, but with different interests? Because I don't see a whole lot of them coming to yoga more than twice a year.

Ugh, it's 3:30 in the morning because I can't sleep.

Here's the link

2008-01-29T20:17:00.000-08:00

To Youtube that shows the music video I discussed in a former post. I'm the one all in black with a purple boa and a skirt over my pants.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=kvmJIZt3Ook

Awesomeness. I'm also reading Eat Pray Love and I love it.

Hmmm...

2008-01-27T19:46:00.000-08:00

"I have found that the support that facilitates our journey are the true luxuries, not the comforts that distract us from the difficulty of our journey." - Me

That's all mine. Bjork is such an inspiration to me. I swear, sometimes I feel that if I ever get to the point where I can fully imbibe Bjork's music, I will have reached Samadhi. I was just thinking today of some of her lyrics:

"Rescue me from level-headness, and the unnecessary luxury of being calm. All nature is ancient."

"Lust for comfort suffocates the soul. This relentless restlessness liberates me, sets me free."

So as this was all swirling in my head, the first line of this blog came to me. I guess this whole whirlpool of thoughts is a spin off of my teacher Christina's blog and her take on Divine Discontent. But for some reason, the way Bjork puts together her lyrics and the arrangements to create her music... it just works for me. Things make sense her way. Often times, I find it's easy to get wrapped up with what people say, thinking too much. But then if you just feel what they say, it comes so much easier and the logic is simply understood. That's a big part of what I love about Bjork. She always puts the inanely abstract together with blunt simplicity. That combination of logic and ethereal, straightforwardness and mysticism, always creates a knowing for me that just makes sense. The lyrics and sounds, when apart, seem so 2 dimensional. But together they create a succint concept. It's like 2 opposing forces that when combined form Captain Planet! Sorry, couldn't help myself - they form a working image.

Okay, back to the original quote. It's something that I've been struggling with my whole life but it is becoming much more obvious as of late. It's truly just a simple concept of balance, but I've pretty much always felt that the material things we enjoy after work (let's say trashy action movies or I don't know, satin sheets) are how we balance ourselves back out. Now don't get me wrong, they have their time and place, especially when we are way off kilter. But the true work in life is to learn how to bring these conveniences into our work/journey so we can lead consistently balanced lives. That sounds more like Samadhi to me. And the point at which we begin to shift from a place of intense disconect to an obvious of cohesiveness is when yoga starts. HA! Yoga! Yoga=Union! I knew that but it just made some more clicking noises inside my head as I brought it full circle. Somehow or another I'm going to have to get this into a theme for this coming week's classes.

So instead of killing yourself to accomplish something and then just going home and killing yourself with gluttony and other 6 sins afterwards, you find a way to drink your hot chocolate at work. Yeah I know, may sound random, but it makes sense to me. It is my blog anyway.

I Choose to Love

2008-01-20T17:17:00.000-08:00

So I decided to have the intention of my practice today to be a meditation on what I should get for my tattoo. So I came up with some ideas. Basically as I was coming out of Svasana, they just came to me, so I've been researching and putting together color schemes and design patterns. And one thing that's really cool (although I'd definitely verify this through Prof. Phillips) is that there is a translator on Blogger that only happens to translate English into Hindu. So according to this thing, I Choose to Love in Hindu is इ चूसे तो लोवे । So that's pretty cool. I'm thinking of having that as part of my tat. I also am thinking about having a note pad made that says at the top "To Choose:" instead of "To Do:" I think that would do nicely. But back to the tat, I'm inspired by Ari's so I want a glowing mist sorta thing, I also want mine in line with my heart chakra, but I still have more to think of before making the final decision. But it's been nice today to do some creative research. I don't think I've done that at all since I designed that set for college...

I CHOOSE to dance in the middle of the street.

2008-01-19T15:18:00.000-08:00

I just read a post on my friend's blog that is about you're life being choices instead of obligations. That you CHOOSE to get a cat because you want to love it instead of HAVING to get a cat to not be lonely. So I'm going to see if that can get me anywhere. Well, today I CHOSE to dance in the middle of the street with friends for a music video.

Yesterday my friend and co-worker Emily called me to see if I wanted to learn a dance that night and then film a music video with it in the middle of Guadalupe the next day. I said sure. So last night I learned a dance at the 21st Steet Co-oP, then hung out with some guys I met with Emily while we were learning it. Then I went back over there this afternoon, we rehearsed, put together costumes (I wore all black with a snap away shirt, a yellow tie around my forehead, a purple boa, and a multi-colored skirt over my pants) and then went to a crosswalk on Guadalupe that was just south of Dean Keaton. As soon as the light turned red, they cranked the music, we walked out into the middle of the street and just broke out dancing. We took 2 takes because the first one we were all kinda $*%^& so we let the pedestrians cross after the 1st take, and then did another. It was awesome fun, and as soon as we get it on YouTube, I'll post the link.

Oh, and this was not for any specific project. You know how people always talk about how it would be cool to just do - whatever? Like "Wouldn't it be cool if we made a music video where we crossed the steet and just broke into dancing for no specific reason?" Yeah, it was actualizing one of those ideas that so many people never actualize. We CHOSE to put this idea into fruition. And to think, I almost didn't go learn the dance last night, and I almost didn't go back over there today because I thought it would be a waste of time. And then after we shot, we went to some random bar down the road, and I had a D.P., a burger, and a Shiner all for under $5. WTF?! And it was pretty damn good for a $3 burger. But it's been an awesome day, and this all happened in about 5 hours. I feel like I did a lot in that amount of time. I guess that's what happens when you CHOOSE to participate in life.

I CHOOSE to participate in my life.

OH NO! STUDENTSHIP!

2008-01-12T16:32:00.001-08:00

Well today was the first day back to the Anusara Immersion since like, the beginning of November. The asana portion of the class had the theme of studentship, or adhikara. Of course, adhikara is an Indian term so there are differences and it seems to translate more appropriately to discipleship.

A few of us had crying sessions, myself included. Not that we all got in a circle and shared like an AA meeting, but it seemed that the asana practice really got deep into a few of us. We did several standing poses with a lot of work from muscle energy and the loops and spirals and that really made me feel mula bandha like I haven't in quite some time. I think the fact that I was able to really get into my inner spiral today and activating the lower chakras is what set me off. After warming up, we did a few postures, did Ardha Chandrasana, Virabhadrasana I, and at that point I was ready to explode. Then she called out one of my big time nemesis poses, Virabhadrasana III, and I left. I knew going into that would have me bawling loudly like a baby and I was not ready for that. I don't think I can handle delving that deeply inside myself right now. I haven't even reached my return of Saturn yet! I came back a few minutes afterwards and finished but if anyone would have touched me or tried to assist me I would have just exploded and cussed and shouted. I wanted to be alone, and I didn't want to cry in front of anyone so I'd rather hate them. Fortunately, after doing a much less fabulous rest of the practice than I know I was very well capable of, we did Parsva Uttanasana and I was in the front of the room. A much easier posture to break down in. Christina talked about the inner shift within as a student as you shift over from the inside in the pose. That gave me my opportunity.

Then I was just so emotionally exhausted that I was swimming for the rest of the Immersion. It kinda made me feel like "I'm too young to die!" or more appropriately "I'm too young to commit this much!" or even "I'm too young to be a good student!" I dunno, it makes me question if I really want to continue in the Anusara faith... haha. The Anusara faith rather than method. I am just not someone who has sustainable energy. It comes in short and beautiful starbursts, but I don't know if I can be ON all the time. I thought it would be great because that's how teaching goes: you're up and on for 1-3 hours. But if being a STUDENT of Anusara yoga means being up and on all the time, I don't think I can do it.

I guess I should just give it time though. I'm still pretty emotional and shouldn't act rashly. Just go tomorrow, do my best, cry afterwards, and give myself time to feel.

Lack of Vritti is fabulous

2008-01-06T15:41:00.000-08:00

Today is one of those days when things are great, not because you're ecstatically happy, but because you're pleasantly somber. You've had some of those before right? Where whatever happens is fine and you work, you relax, and you even brood a little but not without too much chatter going on in your head. So as long as you don't delve too deeply into anything, you feel like the vrittis are gone. I think it's important to take advantage of the times that this happens to you. Especially if you're someone like me who has a tendency to think too much. So I'll end this before I start thinking too much. Off to see Juno with Angela- looks like an awesome movie where you can just feel what's going on instead of thinking too much about it.